Its Okay Not to Be Okay

Even though the pandemic began months ago, and we’re not in strict quarantine anymore, life is still different. We’re still wearing masks everywhere we go, socially distancing, and really picking and choosing who we want to be around. For me, when quarantine began is when my anxiety heightened the most and it dulled down during the summer when I could be outside more and socialize with a few friends and my boyfriend. Summer felt a lot more comfortable and normal for me since I was mainly outdoors and taking weekend trips with a couple of my closest friends and family and just being in places where masks weren’t always needed (beaches, lakes, hikes, walks when others aren’t around). 

How I'm feeling now ...

When school began again this fall, we went back fully in person to campus and luckily we are still here! Even though I was beyond excited to go back, nothing has been the same as before. My anxiety has been sparking up more than usual once again. Even though the pandemic has been going on for months now, seeing everyone at school always in masks feels weird to me. I have a hard time recognizing a lot of people, and I miss seeing others smiles when I see people I know around campus. I’m also a big hugger and when we got back I wanted to hug everyone but then needed to ask if they felt comfortable with it or not, or I just completely avoided the hug. And when I pass people I don’t know and would normally give the awkward half smile what do you do now - Headnod? Look down? Small wave? I’ve found myself to become so socially awkward. 

A week ago one of my friends wanted me to say hi to some of her other friends who were all drinking and playing games outside, definitely not a “darty” but I guess it’s the next closest thing. I went with her to say hi to all people I was familiar with, but I only ever really say hi to them or talk with them at parties. For some reason I was filled with complete anxiety and could barely get myself to interact with anyone. I know how silly this sounds, trust me, but I think quarantine may have really changed me. I’m not used to just socializing with anyone, or being around groups of people. I dedicated my last few months to only seeing and spending time with the people in my life who are truly close to me. I think I’ve realized through quarantine who I want to be around, who makes me feel my best, and just who makes me feel safe and comfortable in general. These people know who they are, and I’m so grateful to have them in my life. 

I used to love going out and surrounding myself with a ton of people, and strolling back to my room at 4 am. But now, after all these months I’ve found myself just being really content in small gatherings, quality time with my family and friends, and yes going to bed early most nights! Don’t get me wrong I still go out for drinks with my friends, but I can also have moments where I’m a total grandma.  This pandemic can make us feel so many ways, and we may not even know why we feel them. Although things are changing, life is still not completely normal again. So whatever changes and alternative mindsets or anxieties you may get, just know that it’s normal and completely okay to feel however you feel.

  1. 1. How I'm feeling now .. 

    When school began again this fall, we went back fully in person to campus and luckily we are still here! Even though I was beyond excited to go back, nothing has been the same as before. My anxiety has been sparking up more than usual once again. Even though the pandemic has been going on for months now, seeing everyone at school always in masks feels weird to me. I have a hard time recognizing a lot of people, and I miss seeing others smiles when I see people I know around campus. I’m also a big hugger and when we got back I wanted to hug everyone but then needed to ask if they felt comfortable with it or not, or I just completely avoided the hug. And when I pass people I don’t know and would normally give the awkward half smile what do you do now - Headnod? Look down? Small wave? I’ve found myself to become so socially awkward. 

     

    A week ago one of my friends wanted me to say hi to some of her other friends who were all drinking and playing games outside, definitely not a “darty” but I guess it’s the next closest thing. I went with her to say hi to all people I was familiar with, but I only ever really say hi to them or talk with them at parties. For some reason I was filled with complete anxiety and could barely get myself to interact with anyone. I know how silly this sounds, trust me, but I think quarantine may have really changed me. I’m not used to just socializing with anyone, or being around groups of people. I dedicated my last few months to only seeing and spending time with the people in my life who are truly close to me. I think I’ve realized through quarantine who I want to be around, who makes me feel my best, and just who makes me feel safe and comfortable in general. These people know who they are, and I’m so grateful to have them in my life. 

I used to love going out and surrounding myself with a ton of people, and strolling back to my room at 4 am. But now, after all these months I’ve found myself just being really content in small gatherings and quality time with my family and friends and yes going to bed early most nights! Don’t get me wrong I still go out for drinks with my friends, but I can also have moments where I’m a total grandma.  This pandemic can make us feel so many ways, and we may not even know why we feel them. Although things are changing, life is still not completely normal again. So whatever changes and alternative mindsets or anxieties you may get, just know that it’s normal and completely okay to feel however you feel.