It’s hard for me to admit this, but it bothers me that I’m still thinking about you. It’s safe to say that I’ve finally gotten over you, but between my constant need to know everything and the mixed messages I’ve gotten from our mutual friends, I guess I’m still really confused about what happened between us.
Nights spent hanging out until absurdly early hours of the morning are some of my most cherished memories and to this day I wonder if summer was just a wonderful, fleeting dream. I realized I liked you then, but I was so scared you wouldn’t like me back. The thought of rejection sent my anxieties soaring to new heights. I put you in the back of my mind, deciding that the idea of “we” was impossible.
A few months (and another failed attempt with an ex) later, I was back to square one – feeling unsure about myself, my relationships with other people, and wondering if there might be something wrong with me. Then that night happened. There was something that sounded like an invite to date party, a question about my ex, and a bet. We were on our way home when my friend whispered in my ear, “If you kiss him tonight, I’ll get $5.” I shook my head and laughed it off.
When the night quieted down, I hung back, waiting for the last person to leave before erupting into giggles. “Hey, who would you rather get five bucks?” I asked. I just assumed we’d make up a story to fool everyone, but then you looked at me in a way I didn’t recognize. My heart fluttered when I realized that maybe you did want to kiss me, too. “It doesn’t have to be about the bet,” you said. I’m sure I looked like a deer in headlights, about to bolt. I went home alone, but by Friday night I found myself in your room and took the plunge. From what I knew, you wanted the real deal and so did I. Perfect, right?
Maybe not. When you hardly spoke to me the next day, I floundered. You had seemed really into me 24 hours ago – what changed? You finally responded to a message, telling me that you didn’t like me the way I liked you. I was floored. If that was the case, why did you want to know if I was over my ex? Why did you tell me that the bet was irrelevant? Why did you twine my fingers with yours and tell me I was beautiful? If you didn’t want to date me, you had the chance to mention that.
When we come to now, there are days where it seems like we’re back to summer. There are also days where you seem like you don’t want to be anywhere near me. Yet our friends tell me sometimes that you really did like me, that sometimes you talk about me, that maybe I should just try getting everything out in the open with you. I was confused back then, and I guess I still am. As it turns out, I’ve never really known the truth about what happened between us. I’ll never really know what could have been.
But I do know this: dealing with this uncertainty is making me a stronger, more mature person. For me, it’s difficult to accept that I’m not going to know every little thing, all the time. It’s even more difficult for me to accept that not knowing is okay. Life is about surprises, the unexpected moments, and facing the unknown. In the end, I’ve got to thank you for helping me learn this lesson.
Sincerely,
The Girl Letting Go