“It’s just a really good message”, one of my friends said to me when she sent me an article titled Why It’s Better To Be The Girl No One Can Have. I read the lengthy piece as my friends got ready for dinner. I read a few sentences before my stomach dropped. This article is pretty messed up. I wasn’t upset because I had some revelation about myself and thought I needed to change. My vexation occurred because everyone has a serious problem if they think that I will let my self-respect be defined by a man or my relationship status.
Here is an excerpt from the article that sounds like it was written in the 1800s by the type of person that refuses to vaccinate their children:
“Everything comes down to respect. The way you treat others and the way you treat yourself speaks volumes about the person you are. All too often, girls in their twenties are misrepresented by the decisions they make, driven by emotion and passion. Sure, it’s your time to experiment and (if you’re single) exercise your right to be free and do whatever the hell you want. But more often than not, focusing on that causes girls to lose sight of having respect for themselves. Handing that power over to men (okay, boys) in their twenties is dangerous. Essentially, you’ll end up being treated like sh*t by guys who want nothing more than your body. There is nothing attractive about a guy who doesn’t respect you. Knowing this allows you to take a stand against it. We may never be able to change most young guys’ mindsets, but there is a way to carry yourself that will attract the right boys to you”.
I am appalled that someone who knows me would even think that I would agree with this. This article flat out states that a woman exercising her “right to be free and do whatever the hell [she] want[s]” equates to a woman lacking self respect. This reminds me of when someone says “no offense” and then follows up with an offensive comment along the lines of “you look 7 months pregnant”. This is very contradictory and sets young women up to feel ashamed and guilty about their personal choices.
Some women genuinely enjoy causal dating and relationships. Others desire to marry the only partner they have ever had. Neither one of those choices is better than the other, as long as the person in the relationship is happy. If someone loves bringing home a new partner every week, who am I to try and stop them? One of my best friends has been committed to someone for 4 years, I’m not going to force her to try and ‘see whats out there’. Its my job to intervene only when I see a friend unhappy or unsafe.
Additionally, the notion that you have to attract a man is bullshit. Hookups, dating, and relationships all involve more than one person. The ‘hard to get’ act is immature, juvenile, and incredibly basic. Playing games and manipulating others seems a bit crazy and like a massive waste of everyone’s time. What really turns people on is being straightforward and honest. I find having an active role in my decisions and interactions with others is empowering. Everyone should try it sometime! I prefer to respect others by reciprocating, making effort, and putting time and energy into other human beings. My definition of respect is different, I guess.
This article reinforces the delusion that at 20 years old, your relationship with men should be traditional and committed. Otherwise, the man automatically doesn’t respect you and will treat you like shit. It encourages the stereotypes we have all heard before: “You’re insecure”, “You have daddy issues”, and “He’s just using you”. Has it ever occurred to anyone that she’s just using him?
My romantic relationships in college have not been traditional in any sense of the word. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend in the past two years. Sometimes dating/talking/hooking up in college is confusing and unconventional – and that is okay. Just because I have yet to bring a guy home to my parents doesn’t mean that I didn’t have experiences I cherish with some quality guys over the course of my college experience. I am okay without a full commitment to someone. I don’t need the title of being someones girlfriend to feel desired or like I have my life together.
I think the most dangerous claim this article makes is that your choices regarding romantic relationships, men, sex, and hooking up, all define you as an individual. The assumption that the foundation of a woman’s self-worth is the sum of every romantic or sexual encounter she has had is damaging girls our age more than a casual hookup at 3am ever will.
I am not ashamed of who I am and the choices I have made. My relationship status – past, present, and future – does not and will not ever define who I am as a person or my value. Real men and real women will respect you because of who you are inside, not based on who is in your bed.
I will never, EVER let a man define me or how much I respect myself. I deserve respect because I work hard, I stand up for what I believe in, and I care about issues in the world that are bigger than the whims of my love life. I am defined by those I love and cherish, and who love and cherish me. I am defined by my mind, which is a force to be reckoned with. I am defined by what makes me laugh at 4 am so hard that I cry. I am the sum of the places I have been and all of the adventures I have been on. I am a woman, and I am defined by the respect I give myself. And no article or social construct can ever take that away from me.
For the record, its not better to be the girl no one can have. It is better to be the girl that you are, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.