Over the past ten years, the sexual revolution has been won and we women have come out victorious. Across college campuses, women have taken control over their individual sexuality – being sexually active with who they want, and unapologetically ignoring who they don’t. With 42 percent of college students saying they have “casual hookups” or a “friends with benefits” situations according to a survey done by Lifestyle Condoms, the hookup college culture is nothing new. Along with that same study, 38 percent of college men confessed it was the woman who came on to them initially, hitting on them first. Good job, ladies!
So with all of this sexual undertaking going on with women, it’s uncommon for a young woman to decide to just up and quit, but I did. But I wasn’t going out without a bang – literally. Towards the end of the year of 2015 (the beginning of December to be exact) I decided my New Year’s Resolution. With everyone making resolutions to stick to a healthy diet, exercise more, and to maintain better organization skills, mine was slightly different.
I decided I was going to remain celibate. I took out a calendar and circled the last day I was going to participate in these “young people activities” and started planning out my last week of being a liberated, college woman, and started meticulously planning out my last sexual venture. “During the last week of December, I am going to hook-up with all of the guys I’ve been too scared to go after before and I’m not going to feel bad about it. It’s my life.” Of course I was going I wasn’t going to go too crazy, and of course I was going to be safe while I partook in this adventure.
The Monday of “my last sex week” I woke up feeling excited and fearless. Nobody knew what I was doing, so it was even more thrilling to have my own little dirty secret. My first beau was a friend of mine who’ve I known since high school. In high school I was a quiet, shy girl (much like how I am now) who sat in the back of the class that guys were embarrassed to admit they had a crush on. This guy in high school was “The Man” All of the girls had a crush on him, and he was the star running back of our varsity football team. He was a high school Greek God – perfectly chiseled muscles, tall, dark, and handsome, and best of all he had facial hair! Which was a rarity back in high school. Now, five years later, we still casually chatted with an occasional, “how have things been” text every few months. I never had the confidence back in high school to tell him how I felt, but now as an adult I thought to myself, “what the Hell?” I knew he would be coming home back to Ohio from playing football at UCal over winter break, so I texted him…”hey :)…”
He texted back right away, excited to hear from me, and after texting nonstop for a whole day, he confessed he always wanted to be with me, but thought he didn’t have a chance. “Him not having a chance with me? Yeah right!” Anyway, he came over the next day and before you know it – the sock was over the door handle. That happened on Tuesday. He’s back at UCal now going to school, playing football. I still get an occasional, “how have things been text,” but sometimes, I don’t text back.
On that Wednesday, over a wine night with my roommate, I confess to her I had a huge crush on one of her boyfriend’s friends. And lo and behold of course, she tells her boyfriend. I’ve had a crush on this guy since I first saw him at Highway 55 after the UC Homecoming football game. After a rainy Homecoming football game, some friends and I decided to get food at Highway 55. It was there that I ran into my roommate and there he was, sitting at a table with my roommate, her boyfriend, and a couple of their friends when I walked up. I approached them with a group of friends and everyone got introduced to each other. But when I was introduced to this guy, I think I forgot my name for a half of a second. He has porcelain, white teeth, tall, piercing blue eyes, and has a personality that everyone gravitates towards.
Obviously, the Homecoming game was a while ago (back in October), but I had never said anything about crushing on him until, “my last week.” My roommate and boyfriend invited me out with them and their mutual friends for a fun night of music and drinks at St. Clair’s. They told me my crush would be there, but I didn’t see him. I was disappointed. “Did he not come because he knew that I would be here?” “Oh no, my roommate must have showed him my Instagram, and he’s avoiding me!” But about 15 minutes later and a couple drinks in, I turn around and he’s smiling right there in my face. “Hey, what’s up!?” He asked. In my mind, I’m telling myself to just play it cool, so I just give him a half smile and I say, “Hey.”
At the time, he didn’t realize who I even was. He didn’t remember me from the diner. Good. My roommate didn’t show him my Instagram. Even better. He tells me that I’m “absolutely beautiful, but he’s here with a girl and he didn’t want to be rude. “Dammit! My roommate didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend!” Oh well. The very next day I went out to St. Clair’s with my roommate again and he was there. “Hey, you’re the girl from last night!” he says to me excitedly. After a few minutes of casual chatting, I eventually ask him where his girlfriend is, and he informs me that they don’t talk anymore. Good.
After a few drinks, he asked for my number and after giving it to him I find my roommate and tell her the news. We excitedly hug and then we jump up and down while hugging like we’re immature school girls. According to my crush “I’m fly. One of the fly-ist girls he’s ever seen.” I remember thinking, “Is this what it is like to live confident and fearless? I can get used to this.” The next day my crush invites me over his place for drinking games with his friends, so I go, and my roommate and her boyfriend tag along. Needless to say the night was fun. Everyone left his house around 2 a.m., but I stayed behind with my crush. It was a night to remember, and let’s just say, Miguel’s cd will never sound the same to me.
This happened Friday night. My last sex week was almost over. I hooked up with my crush once again before the week was up. Now, he and I are good friends but no more hooking up.
I only hooked up with two people that week, so I guess I didn’t get too crazy. For some sexually active college students that’s the norm, but not for me. I admit, I felt alive and excited that week and it was a week in college I won’t forget. I had a sense of empowerment and confidence about myself that I never felt before, that I really had all along. I, like most women focus on asking myself things like, why can’t I be thinner? Prettier? Smarter? During that week, I then changed my mindset and didn’t worry about those things. Instead I just took a chance and went after what I wanted.
I know you’re probably asking yourself by now why did I decide to go celibate? It was a personal decision that came to me after considering what is it exactly that I want out of life? Intercourse was not on that list. Men and women are working harder than ever. (In some fields, getting ahead requires 110 percent of our time and focus). This makes it very hard to maintain a healthy relationship, so more people are ditching the dating scene all together and embracing celibacy. Couples are even partaking in celibacy together. In addition, during climax, women release higher levels of oxytocin than men do. This unavoidable chemical release causes higher levels of post-sex attachment in women than in men. Hence, sometimes leading to an unhealthy sexual attachment that may not be mutual with your partner.
Now that I’ve made this switch, I still feel empowered! Choosing whether or not to do something gives a sense of control and purpose in our lives. A sex-free lifestyle frees up a tremendous amount of brain and emotional space that the strategizing, analyzing and agonizing over our sex lives often fills. Freeing up of some of the above-mentioned time allows us to focus on some of the many empowering, advancing and self-esteem-building activities that can make our lives more meaningful and productive. With still having that same mindset of going after what I want, I can attack life from a different, and more confident perspective.
While celibacy may sound like an extreme choice to some, it is liberating to others. If you’re thinking about making the switch, go for it! Keep in mind: it doesn’t have to be forever! And trust me, it won’t be.