I’m a third-year student at the University of Cincinnati. I’m involved in Greek life, I have a part-time on-campus job, and I have an internship that is helping me in my career. I love music and singing, I love reading and I love meeting new people.
I am also a survivor of sexual assault.
I wrote a letter to myself a while ago in the midst of a panic attack dealing with the scars, mental and physical, my abuser left me with. I suffer from anxiety and depression that started in high school. I have also struggled with weight problems for as long as I can remember.
While I am not yet strong enough to publicly share my story with a name, because I am still afraid and haunted, I wanted to share my letter in the hopes it will help those in need.
For all of the strong and courageous men and women standing up saying #MeToo, I am so beyond proud of you for sharing your story.
For all of the survivors who are still dealing with the effects of abuse, I stand with you, I am here and I understand your pain, because it happened to me too.
Dear Me,
I know this is hard for you to hear, but you need to hear it before it’s too late and you lose yourself.
I know you pick out seats in the back of the classroom to avoid people’s eyes because you are scared they would judge you if they saw your insecurities.
I know you get nervous in crowds because every once in awhile you get a glimpse of his face and your stomach turns in knots.
I know you have trouble with relationships because trust is not something you are used to, or something that is easy.
I know how badly you wish that his face and the feeling that accompanies it went away.
I know that you know it won’t.
I know you can’t imagine trusting someone enough to let him or her in; he broke that for you a long time ago.
I know you are disgusted by what happened.
I know you are upset you never told anyone. It’s ok, you were scared.
I know you blame yourself for what happened to others also, that you should’ve spoken up.
I know you put that responsibility on yourself, but it is not yours in the first place.
I know you hated the way he smelled like cigarettes.
I know what happened was not your fault. It was his.
I know, I understand, and I am truly sorry.
I know you are a loving, hardworking and passionate person. You don’t appreciate yourself enough and you need to have more self-worth, self-love, and self-confidence.
I want you to know, that you are here. You are breathing. You are living. So please continue on, and continue to make me proud of the person you are today, and the person you will be 10 years from now.
With love,
Me