This article contains triggers, including detailed descriptions of my eating habits and how my body looked/felt.
I hope that if you’re reading this and are battling an eating disorder right now, please find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. We’re doing this together—you and I. I think you’re strong and awesome the way you are. I don’t have to know you to know it’s true. Sure that sounds extremely cliché but it’s ultra powerful in practice. I tell myself that I’m strong and awesome everyday and it helps. Trust me, it helps.
Let me set the scene for you. Last year, I had a pretty interesting eating disorder. By interesting, I mean it ate me alive. At the same time, I did learn a lot about myself. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change a thing.
A typical day would go like this: I’d start the day with a nice, strong cup of coffee. Then I’d work out. I’d work out until I burned off the coffee….plus whatever gnarly junk I binged on the night before. I loved the feeling of sweating off all the sugars and fats. It purified me, so I could begin the day refreshed. After my workout, I’d prepare a relatively healthy meal for lunch—just one meal though. I wouldn’t dare eat balanced meals throughout the day. Just one little meal in the middle of the day. It was easier to count calories that way.
I’d count every last calorie that went into my body. It took so much time to divide, multiply and add calories for each meal. It drove me insane but I couldn’t stop. I tracked everything on my FitBit, which was gifted to me by a good friend. FitBits are really useful at keeping your fitness goals on point, but I severely abused mine. I don’t wear it anymore.
My general rule of thumb was to stay below 500 calories until five pm, just to keep everything “balanced”. If I went above that, my anxiety would shoot up until I allowed myself to eat again, which was generally late at night. That’s when the binges kicked in. I’d eat all the carb-loaded, fat-saturated, overly processed snacks I owned at night. I’d pick them apart, make unruly creations and pound them down like shots. I’d always eat straight from the box, the box that I’d put away only to reach for it minutes later. I’d try to enter the binge calories into my FitBit but I’d be too ashamed to do so. I had zero self control at night.
I’d eat until there was no more food left to tempt me, until it was gone for good. I’d eat until my stomach was tight, bloated and foodstuff would travel up my throat if I burped. It hurt.
My bingeing continued day after day and unfortunately, month after month. I knew what I was doing was bad. I dreaded the sugar hangovers that would ensue in the morning, but that never stopped me. The worst part, though, was the guilt. That killed me.
One night it got so bad that I broke down and went for an intense run at midnight. I don’t recommend doing that.
The morning after, I had my coffee and worked out really hard. So the cycle continued.
Binge eating is often followed by purging. I never did that. I’d let everything sit in my stomach and become a part of me. I’ve tried purging before, but was never successful. I didn’t like sticking a toothbrush down past my tonsils. It was uncomfortable and it takes practice to master. I simply wasn’t down for that commitment.
After a binge, I’d watch videos of bloggers talking about THEIR binges. I didn’t want to feel alone. After a binge, nothing really held my attention quite like seeing someone else suffer with me. I am not proud of saying that, but I was so desperate. My post-binge time was often occupied by doing research online. I would read about what was wrong with me. That’s when I learned that my condition is actually called Nighttime Eating Syndrome (NES). It’s when someone restricts their dietary intake throughout the day, then eat a massive amount at night. I felt reassured to see that it was a legit thing.
Want to know something strange though? I was actually losing weight by bingeing. That’s when it happened. That’s when the switch flipped.
This part is difficult to write because I’m embarrassed I let it get this bad. I would chew and spit. Anytime I wanted to indulge in a fat burrito or mountains of pastries, I’d chew the food and release the wad into a napkin. Then, I’d stuff the napkin deep into the trash where my roommates couldn’t find it. Needless to say, I insisted on taking out the trash every week. Chewing and spitting allowed me to enjoy my favorite decadent foods without guilt. I felt empowered, because for once, I felt in control of my ED.
More weight came off and I felt so damn skeletal. My forearm veins bulged out, my chest bones were visible and I was cold 99% of the time. When I’d lay down to sleep, I loved feeling my hipbones protruding out. It was a sign that I was doing something right. The icing on the cake was when my period stopped.
I learned that being comfortable with my body was a good thing, so I was head over heals over my skinny self. I was convinced that I loved myself, but it was clear that I did not.
I had several epiphanies during my darkest moments. I grew sick of the guilt; I was tired of being tired and I was overwhelmed with embarrassment at every social gathering. I started seeing my condition as a disorder instead of normalcy. This is when something else clicked. It’s when I began to recover.
I began recovering slowly. First, I ditched the FitBit and wow! The heaviest weight was lifted off my shoulders. That was a defining moment in my recovery because it literally freed me from my handcuff. Second, I stopped spitting so much. Food tastes a hell of a lot better when you swallow. Third, I gradually cut down on the nighttime eating. This was—and sometimes still is—the hardest thing to overcome. My biggest motivation was that I didn’t want to feel guilty the morning after. Anytime I didn’t binge at night, I felt incredible in the morning. That gave me strength. That summer, I developed some healthy practices too.
Meditating gave me self-control. Reading books gave me a distraction. Running gave me stamina. Work gave me fulfillment. It took all my willpower, but I did not want to relapse. My summer consisted of eating healthier, filling foods. I treated food with the respect it deserves. In return, the food respected me. That was the start of a good relationship. Through tons of diligence and love, I became the woman I am today. Plus, I got my period back. Good work, self.
I’m still recovering but I’m much better off than I was last year. My body is stronger, my cognitive abilities are greater and my self-love has sky rocketed. Best of all, I’m free.
If you need further information about EDs or need to talk to someone, you may contact me directly by emailing hccalpoly@gmail.com and someone will connect us!