I hate Thanksgiving. There, I said it. It’s not because I’m super excited for Christmas either, but that’s a different article. I hate Thanksgiving because I am the world’s second pickiest eater (first place goes to my sister). Clearly, this holiday is a sh*tshow and a half for us. Every year involves navigating the kitchen island like a landmine trying to escape the counter with something that resembles a Thanksgiving meal but won’t cause me to dry heave. In my 20 years of experience, I have accumulated a few tips and tricks on how to survive this dreaded excuse of a holiday.
1. Be the first in line
My family operates on the “children go first” dynamic, and since my sister and I are the youngest, we always blaze a trail. The trick is to get there first so that nothing’s mixed together or spills on top of one another. Also be sure to load up on those Pillsbury crescent rolls
2. Stick with what you know
What actually is stuffing? One can never be too sure. Bread: check. Turkey: check. My family actually makes two turkeys where one is fried and the other is roasted, I personally prefer the fried and white meat of course. None of that dark meat nonsense here. Did I mention bread? That’s it.
3. Bring your own food
Obviously, my plate is a little bare. My mom always accommodated for us by bringing fruits and vegetables from home. Shout out to mom for those chopped apples and bell pepper slices to bring a little color among our turkey and bread.
4. Maintain face amidst a whirlwind of questions
“Isn’t it good?” “Do you not like it?” “I can make you something else” “Are you not hungry?” Stoooooppppp. I’m fine. My food adversity is not a new thing. I truly appreciate you trying to accommodate for me, but this is just one meal you will have to count me out of. Just smile, be gracious, and then proceed to moan and groan like everyone else at the end of their meals.
5. Hold tight ‘till dessert
You made it. Breathe. The plates have been cleared and leftovers were covered and put in the fridge. You’ve earned a slice of that pie. Chocolate chess of course. Pumpkin is weird.
Most of the world loves Thanksgiving. Food, family, football, and you know what, good for them. It’s just not for me. Come back to me on New Year’s Eve. Glitter and champagne? That’s more like it. Despite all this, I still hope everyone has a happy holiday.