“Wow, have you lost weight? You look amazing!”
For as long as I can remember, this compliment has been #1 on my compliment wish-list. The joy I’d get from someone telling me “You really are an amazing, kind person” wouldn’t come close. Being told I look thin has given me self-worth on many occasions. It has made me feel worthy and sexy and confident. It has validated me as a person and been the cause of many-a-good mood.
Once, I met a boy at a party. Whilst he flirted with my friend and told her how pretty she was, when he left, he told me, “I’ll remember you for your personality”. HOW DARE HE?! He could’ve punched me square in the face and I would’ve preferred it. It’s taken almost a year (having gained a bit more mental clarity on my self-worth and body image) for me to realise that what he said wasn’t intended as an insult, but a compliment. And a far more valuable compliment than “You’re fit and you’ve got nice tits”.
I know this mindset may seem irrational and shallow, but I think it’s fair to say this is the mindset of many women. And who can blame us when the society we live in tells us that our worth is based on our perceived attractiveness? Being fat – or rather, not being thin – equates to failure. As little girls playing with our Barbie dolls, we are programmed to believe that being skinny, taking up less space, is the ideal. As we get older, magazines bombard us with diet tips on how to get a ‘beach body’ because, of course, we are not entitled to enjoy the sun, sea, and sand if we’ve got a bit of cellulite (GOD FORBID) or a tummy that isn’t taut. In Khloe Kardashian’s new show ‘Revenge Body’, we are sold the idea that we are only loveable if we are slim and that losing weight is the only way to get back at people who have not valued us in the first place. In short, it is constantly hammered into us that fat is the enemy and we should be ashamed of our bodies if we are anything but the ‘ideal’ (boobs, bum, not an ounce of fat anywhere else).
It was this warped idea of beauty that pushed me into disordered eating. I got to university and, having put on some weight over summer due to copious amounts of burgers, crêpes, alcohol, and having the best time ever, I felt repulsed at myself. So, I hated myself into extreme dieting. My diet dramatically shifted to one that consisted of porridge, quinoa, some protein and vegetables, and MAYBE, if I was lucky, a low fat yoghurt or fruit. This was my regime, day in day out, for two months. I wouldn’t allow myself to go outside of it. I used MyFitnessPal to track every scrap of food I ate or drink I sipped. My day was a success if I’d consumed below 1000 calories, and I felt like a disgusting, fat failure if I had over 1,200. I wouldn’t eat certain fruit because it had ‘too much sugar’. I would politely decline one Celebrations chocolate. Instead, I just fantasised over food porn and wrote lists and lists of where I could go for my one ‘cheat meal’ a week. It was at this stage when I was spiraling into a very unhealthy obsession with food that I lost some weight and got the most compliments I’d got in a long while. Of course I savoured these compliments and used them as fuel to persevere through my hunger. However, my relationship with food became increasingly destructive, and all I could think about was calories and losing the next stone.
I never lost that next stone, though. As someone who has always loved food, this restriction was only going to end in one thing: food. The forbidden fruit. Well, not fruit, but lots and lots of cookies and ice cream and Domino’s. Lone binges at 2am on everything I had wanted and denied myself for the past two months, and all the weight and self-hate that inevitably came with it. I got trapped in a binge/starve cycle and felt sick and worthless the majority of the time. Whilst I have come on a lot since then, I am still struggling with the repercussions of that two-month diet and the Binge Eating Disorder I developed as a result. If only I had loved myself and seen myself as worthy and loveable even with a bit of extra weight on me, I would never have got into this situation.
Unfortunately, though, dieting is so normalised and lauded in our culture that the majority of girls I have spoken to have experienced hating their bodies and a resulting bad relationship with food. As normal as it seems, not eating something when you are hungry or just fancy it because you’re scared of putting weight on is NOT HEALTHY AND NOT OK! This is why I think it is important to start the conversation about loving our bodies and raising awareness about the unrealistic nature of the ‘ideal body’ at a young age. If I thought my body was beautiful in the first place and if I had been educated about what a negative impact dieting could have on my mental health, of course I would never have dieted – because who the f*** just wants to eat porridge, quinoa, and chicken for 2 months out of self-love?
So, a few months ago, I started unfollowing all the ironically toxic ‘clean eating’ accounts on Instagram, and replaced them with body positive accounts (I will share my faves at the bottom of the article). Coming across these women who refuse to live boring, confined lives of eating lettuce and rice cakes in order to be considered ‘attractive’ has been of immeasurable importance to me. Now when I scroll down my Instagram feed, I am no longer told that eating smoothie bowls and doing intense workouts every day has a positive correlation with self-love and happiness. Instead, I’m reminded that women can enjoy food (refined sugar and carbs et al) and still love themselves – crazy, right?!
Just the other week when I felt my relationship with my body and food was going slightly off kilter, I reached out to a Bristol-based blogger I follow on Instagram (@aliceandpeanutbutter) and she agreed to meet with me. We exchanged our experiences and, being further into her recovery from disordered eating than I am, she gave me tips on intuitive eating and reassurance that I am on the right track. The fact I wasn’t alone made me feel incredibly comforted, and I went away feeling so optimistic about the future. It was this meeting that made me realise that talking to someone who has been through similar struggles to you is extremely valuable.
When I got home from meeting Alice, I decided to create a group called Body Positivity Support Group (Bristol) – creative, I know, but it gets to the point – which is ‘A safe space for Bristol girls to spread the bo-po lurrrv and support one another on our journey to self-acceptance.’ In just a few days, nearly 70 members joined. I’ve had lots of messages from girls thanking me for starting it up and sharing things they never have before, and I’ve met up with a few to chat one-on-one. A few of us have also organised to go and see a screening of the Body Image Movement’s documentary, ‘Embrace’, and I’m expecting around 20 girls to come to a group meet-up in a few days, too (hopefully the first of many!).
The level of interest in this group so far has made me realise just how needed it is, and if you are feeling down on yourself in regards to body image or food, I would like to remind you that you are definitely not alone, and I would urge you to join the body positivity party! Even if I can encourage just one girl to see how worthy and beautiful she is and leave dieting behind, I will be very happy indeed.
10 Instagram accounts that will bless your feed:
@bodyposipanda @thenakeddiaries @aliceandpeanutbutter @thestrutbymic @caitmeredith @omgkenzieee @naomishimada @marquitapring @theashleygraham @barbienox