It all started in Kindergarten, I suppose. I was never allowed to be like the other girls and do ballet. My father refused and insisted that I engage in something more physical, athletic, combative, and so I found myself signed up for martial arts (the basic version of taekwondo, if you will). It was my first lesson in self-defence. Then came high school: the battleground for mental games and teenage politics. These years were my first real lesson in defending my values and safeguarding my mental state. From the mid-teens onwards, more serious relationships develop and we all become subject to a whirlwind of emotions. Every relationship has its lows, but there is a vast difference between a lovers’ tiff and full-blown abuse. Sadly, emotional abuse is a fact of life for many young women, and, for those who choose to stay with their partner, it can follow on into marriage. My focus here is not on physical self-defence, but rather the need for people to protect themselves against mental suppression and emotional abuse.
Let’s go back in time for a moment. If I was still living in a little Indian village somewhere near Jamnagar, I would already be married by now. I would quite possibly be subject to emotional abuse without even realizing it. Due to cultural norms, I would never be allowed to question my husband, never be allowed to disobey him and I would have to worship him even if it was against my wishes. Of course, not all men are like this and who knows: I could have been lucky.
While physical abuse is condemned, emotional abuse is often overlooked. Women are seen as highly emotional – this has become deeply ingrained in the culture thanks to various portrayals of women, including John Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”. If a woman reacts to a partner’s abuse with tears, she is dismissed as being “too emotional”. We are all warned from a young age about abusive relationships, but again, the focus is often on physical violence. Any relationship where one person tries to gain and maintain control over the other, be it physically or emotionally, is abuse.
An extreme example of emotional abuse and its effects can be seen in a recent Indian movie called “Provoked: A True Story”. It portrays a true-life drama where a Punjabi woman, having been berated emotionally by her husband for over 10 years, loses control and sets him on fire. In real life, this was taken to court (most lawyers will recognize this as the case of R v Ahluwalia (1993)). Being a victim of domestic violence did not provide the wife with a defence from a legal point of view, and consequently she was sentenced to prison. In the movie, however, she is brought back as the Southhall Black Sisters fight for her justice – the better outcome in my opinion. I for one cannot see her as a cold blooded murderer, even though her actions were horrifying– she was a woman driven to the edge. I just wish she could have walked away from her relationship before it had been too late.
This is an extreme case, but even the smallest issues can amount to emotional abuse. My guess is that we have all heard of someone who often receives expensive gifts from their other half and yet, despite all this “love”, can’t even have a rational discussion with them. Perhaps they have to justify everything they do to their partner; maybe they are not allowed to see certain friends or family members. There’s a Friends episode where Monica, Rachel and Phoebe read a book called “Be Your Own Windkeeper”. Though light-hearted in tone, the episode highlights the important issue of how women need to be empowered in relationships, and not allow men to “steal” their “wind”. What I also learnt from this episode is that sometimes we are too blinded to see what is happening and we need to heed the words of those who have our best interests at heart: our friends and “Goddesses”– This is not easy to do, but can be potentially life-changing.
I have focused a lot on women being emotionally abused, but it happens to men too. And, if anything, it’s more of a taboo. Men are supposed to be “macho”, the breadwinners, head of the household. Some men are quite happy to be the papa poule of the family, but there are others who are forcibly suppressed and put in this position. Women can be bullies too, and we shouldn’t think that men cannot be victims of physical or emotional abuse just the same.
I am a firm believer that “emotions are human beings”: without them we wouldn’t be able to enjoy life’s little intricacies. However, people’s emotions are delicate, and we need to tread carefully when dealing with them. Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect, and we should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to abuse of any kind. If an abusive relationship continues, unchallenged, just as in the film, the outcome can be disastrous for everyone involved.
For more info about abuse, click here