Open Letter To My Future Child

 

My dear future child,

This is Mom.

This is a hopeful mother.

This is a mother who is not yet a mother to you.

This is to you who have not been born yet.

This is for you.

 

There is no good place to start, for if I were to try to make this perfect, I would not be authentic.

I want you to know me for who I am.

I want you to know Maddie.

I want you to know Madeline.

I want you to know me as your mom.

Mom has a connotation right now, you see?

Motherhood is the same by definition, never in practice.

Mothers give birth to babies.

Mothers give birth to their biological children.

Mothers have surrogates.

Mothers adopt.

Mothers imply this two-sided relationship.

I will always love you.

You will always love me.

There’s the unconditionality of family that always exists.

Well, this what I want you to know.

I do not need to expose the depths of the world’s tragedy to you when you come out of my uterus, no,

You are fragile, my young one,

I was fragile once, too.

I was held in my mother’s arms with my twin brother.

I grew up in Pittsburgh.

I don’t know where you will grow up yet.

I grew up sensitive, emotional,

I grew up fragile in a world that was protected for me by my mom and dad.

I grew up in a world I thought was safe because nothing bad happened to me.

I want this for you, my child.

I want this to be free of pain.

You do not need to experience pain.

You do not need to know sadness.

You can stay pure.

….

 

I’m sorry, my dear.

I cannot promise you this life.

Your mother has cried, too.

Children see their mothers cry.

You will never outgrow your natural human vulnerability.

You will most inevitably learn hate,

You will most inevitably learn pain,

But unlike these, you cannot unlearn your humanness.

You will never unlearn your feelings.

You will see me cry.

You will see me get angry.

You will see me in times I wish you never would.

 

 

But darling,

 

My love is never fleeting.

My love is long lasting.

My arms will always be open for you,

My ears will always be open for you,

My hands will always be free for you,

My mind will always be free for you,

My heart will always be here for you,

My soul will always be committed to you.

 

You, my love.

 

And if you ever doubt my love,

Do not worry.

I will always make sure to let you how loved you are.

I will always let you know I am here.

I will always be here.

Even if you find another adult you trust, to tell your secrets to, to be your safe space,

That is okay.

Your mom did the same thing.

Your mom has felt unloved.

Your mom has felt scared.

Your mom has felt weak.

I am your mom.

I am your mom that has felt the pain of being human.

I am your mom that will do all in my power to prevent you from feeling pain.

I am your mom who will do what my mom did for me even when I thought she didn’t.

I am your mom and I know I always will be even when you think I’m not.

I am not perfect.

I am flawed.

I am your mom.

 

Dear future child,

My love for you is never fleeting.

I will give you the world if only you will let me.

 

XOXO