Inner Child Ruminations

You watched me bleed.

 

watched the life fall from within me

beat out from beneath me

scream out from inside me

 

You

broke down my walls just to remind me

why I put them up in the first place

 

you heard my need.

and yet

with great heed did nothing

to comfort but

beat me

with false truth

barricaded between

backwood stained lips

 trumpeting out sweet lines

and gentle reminders that I am indeed on fire

thanks

 

 

 

 

Weakened by adversity,

You tore the hope from my dreams

shamelessly.

 

and there is a hole in my heart

that is shaped like the memory of you

rattling

with marooned  rage

reaching farther than Eve for

unexpected demise

 

resembling

 the failure depicted on

too rushed assignments

vivid

like cuts across skin

leaking resistance

 

I am looking for a way out of the flames and

toxic mentalities you have built around me.

 

 

I am a volcano failing to erupt.

filled with anger

rising from the residue

of unresolved ruminations,  

hot air searing exposed skin

bruised egos bursting with

embarrassment,

 

Evil escaped through

inevitable invitations

forged by ignorance

and the appeal of

that which we must not have,

I was enamored

by curiosity and sensation.

 

I think of hot coals.  

simmering,

coalescing solace and warmth.

comfort,

 

stinging sometimes.

 

bruised knuckles buckled by mental illness.

 

too close to 

crimson cheeks inflamed by

rosy remarks

reciprocating ingenuity.

 

I think of hot breath on lifeless hands.

dirty overgrown toenails in vintage leather boots

shedding borrowed skin

and awakening

 

I feel the love you have never shown

and I ’m learning

but my heart crackles and creaks like driftwood and open flames.

stomping and screaming and steaming out emotional baggage carried out for years too long.

 

they say,

jealousy is the dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive

and so with jealousy and self-loathing in hand,

I adopted the fallacy of not-enoughness to explain and extinguish the flames of my longing for affection.

too young to realize

 that my fear of commitment

was inherited from the very man

who taught me how to love.

only to then to be stolen by death, leaving me searching for resolute

in places where it did not belong 

 

settling

sympathizing with

lost souls

searching

for love.

searching for

understanding

twisted by desire

blushing and flushing out lies

and  burning the bridges  below my own feet

vivaciously.

 

You told me time and time again

that

Nobody is Coming to Save you

everything is choice

and you did this to yourself

so  baby 

do not put the key to your happiness

in someone else’s pocket

expecting them to have all of the answers

 

they will lose it

but

 

delicately 

 

opportunity often opens new lights.

 

lifting sadness from stabbed backs

peaking

through once-closed doors

and covered eyelids. 

 

The universe is pressing me

to pursue change.

 

I think of creativity 

raspberry chrysanthemums

and rubies radiating royalty

 

lipstick and lace

lingering tension

light laughs

 

blessing and blooming

 wisdom

and enticed expectations.

 

emotions

Dancing together

Senselessly

Sometimes

they are just meant to be felt

to linger

to entice

 

To relearn

 

the potential held

within the  innocence in a child’s eye

 

exit signs

providing guidance

urgencies reviving 

 

surviving with organized chaos

alert

and learning to forgive myself  

for the damage

I’ve done

 

 

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