Who Will Be the Next Bachelor?

Congrats! You’ve almost made it through another season of The Bachelorette—that means it’s time to start speculating over which guy will be the next Bachelor. I’m 100% convinced that wine sales spike on Mondays because of this entire melodramatic franchise. So, like, bad for your liver but good for the economy? Nice job, ABC.

I’m sure there’s some sort of weird algorithm for figuring out which guy gets the privilege of pretending to be less problematic than he is IRL for 12 weeks, but we’re going to use some good old fashioned educated guessing. Sorry, I don’t feel like subtracting problematic tweets, adding questionable fashion choices, multiplying by three, and dividing by the number of times the guy’s claimed to be a virgin. 

1. Jason 

Twitter seems to think that Jason is literally the perfect man, and it’s no secret that the producers seem to be prepping him for being the Bachelor. Who is to say that scrapbook wasn’t a plan to make the viewers feel bad for Jason when Becca let him go? He’s the most level-headed guy there, and it’s a little strange he doesn’t get heated about anything, he just sort of sulks—but maybe it’s because he knows he has something lined up. Also, remember how Becca was like, “I did to him what Arie did to me”? Well, Arie did that to her and she became the Bachelorette. Foreshadowing, anyone? 

2. Blake 

Who wouldn’t want to see Blake, in all his bro-ness, as Bachelor? Ofc. It would probably be one of the most relatable seasons, like, ever. One thing: he’s a beer sales rep (so many guys’ dream job, tbh) and the franchise usually goes for flashier careers––like race car driver, pro-soccer player, or prince. Still, a season with Blake as Bachelor would definitely be interesting, at least until you realize that he def peaked in high school. It’s okay, Blake, we’ll still watch every week! 

3. Colton 

Yeah, yeah. Because a virgin Bachelor would definitely pull in viewers, just like how people are entertained by dogs walking on their hind legs and other things you don’t see every day. But Colton’s Bachelor potential goes way beyond that—he basically checks off all the boxes that the producers seem to look for in a Bachelor, or at least the ideal qualities they would want in a contestant. He’s an ex-pro-athlete (check), loves children (check), has a ton of time on his hands (check), and has one of those moldable personalities that reality TV producers love to manipulate. Hm, maybe Tia will come back for maximum dramatic effect! That girl is gonna sell so many gummy vitamins that she won’t even have to marry Colton anymore to fund her #influencerlifestyle. 

Wishful Thinking: Connor. Grocery Store Joe. Chris Harrison. Newly single Channing Tatum. 

Let’s face it, anyone will be better than actual Ellen DeGeneres’ body double Arie Lundyuckyuck. Just ask Becca!