From cute scruff to nasty staches, guys’ facial hair can be attractive or just plain gross. While some dudes can totally pull off a beard, we fear No Shave November when it comes to other guys. Here’s our definitive ranking of facial hair on guys.
11. The Pedophile Mustache
This thin, unruly, patchy mustache is easily the worst kind of facial hair. It immediately makes guys look creepy, and it’s just not attractive. You’re adorable, Michael Cera, but the stache has got to go.
10. The Mutton Chops
This type of facial hair is more likely to be found on men 50 years down the road than college guys, but mutton chops still pop up every now and then. We just don’t understand this look. Grow it out on the sides, but shave off the chin? Why? Just… why? Good luck with the ladies, Wolverine…
9. The Soul Patch
If a guy dons a soul patch, he’s definitely trying to say something about himself. Whether that’s, “I’m deep,” or, “I listen to Nickelback,” or, “I strive to be Howie Mandel,” we’ll never really know.
8. The Hobo Beard
The hobo beard is the ultimate sign of letting yourself go. It’s messy, it’s unruly and it really just looks scratchy. A guy who chooses to sport this type of facial hair really does not give a hoot. This was obviously a trying time for you, Brad.
7. The Chinstrap
This is a purely aesthetic decision. We’re just not sure what aesthetic. Tip: Just grow it out all the way next time, hon.
6. The Ordinary Mustache
Mustaches either totally work, or they do not work at all. For example, if you’re Tom Selleck, then YES. You own that mustache. For most other people (especially in college), this is probably not your best look.
5. The Scruffy, “I Can’t Grow a Real Beard Yet” Stubble
This is probably the most common facial hair we see around campus. We’re sure there comes a time in every young man’s life when he thinks, “I would look really kickass with a beard,” but babe, you can’t grow one yet. We gotta hand it to them for trying, though. (Either that, or they just got too lazy to shave.)
4. The Goatee
If done properly, goatees can be really hot. Case in point: Brad Pitt, but that might also be because he’s just Brad Pitt. If a guy has great style and a strong jawline and he’s dark and mysterious and drinks whiskey and plays acoustic guitar… well, none of this truly matters, but we’re just assuming this type of guy could probably pull off a goatee well.
3. The Full Beard
Sweet mother of all things facial hair, if a guy can grow a well-trimmed beard, he should. This straight-up says, “I am a man.” Bonus points if he wears plaid and listens to Bon Iver.
2. The Clean-Shaven
Let’s face it, facial hair is either done really well or really poorly. If a guy simply can’t pull it off, he should just go clean-shaven. He probably won’t look that baby-faced. Chances are, he looks damn good! Plus, girls love a soft face.
1. The 5 O’Clock Shadow
Holy hot dayum. The sexiest facial hair is the (likely) unintended kind. Five o’clock shadows just scream “hunk.” We could stare at Patrick Dempsey, Adrian Grenier and Adam Levine’s perfect facial hair all day. Yes. Just… yes.
While most facial hair is on the less-than-cute side, when it’s done well, it can be incredibly attractive. We’ll hold out for our twenties for the good stuff and let our baby-faced college guys try as they may for the time being.