Three bachelors remain and, to quote the best live tweet from last night’s episode: “In Desiree’s mind, Brooks is Harvard, Drew is that totally cute liberal arts college nearby & Chris is a safety school.” (Could not be more #accurate, @1chicklette.)
The first part of the finale took Des and her bachelors to the country no one could seem to pronounce correctly, Antigua, where the skies were blue, the tears were plentiful, and the entire season was basically revealed to be a fraud.
One-on-One Date #1:
Darling Drew was up to bat first for the solo date, and Des was just so excited to see him, since he’s so sweet and honest and loyal. Add in the fact that Drew can’t stop slobbering all over her face and he sounds like the perfect canine companion.
The two decided to hang with the locals for the afternoon, playing limbo and looking uncomfortable, with Drew intermittently asserting his heterosexuality by thrusting his tongue down Des’s throat. After a hackneyed make-out sesh in the rain, during which Des coyly shielded them from the camera with her umbrella, Des extended her first Fantasy Suite invitation to Drew at dinner. (Fantasy Suite Invitation Count: 1.) Drew clumsily accepted, thrilled with the prospect of an all-night slumber party with his fav gal pal.
“It will be, like, so cool to wake up next to you tomorrow!” – Drew, seeming to misunderstand the implications of the Fantasy Suite.
The Drama Begins:
Meanwhile, Brooks returned home to Salt Lake City to chat with his mom and sister, as he was having doubts about whether he wanted to put a ring on it. After talking things over, Brooks concluded that he was Very Confused.
One-on-One Date #2:
Deciding to tap into the budget a little more for the next solo date, the ABC producers sent Chris, Des, and Des’s crocheted fringe vest up in a helicopter around the island. Even though Chris has a fear of heights, he was able to make it through the ride, as love overcomes all fear or whatever metaphor ABC was attempting to imply.
After Chris and Des casually made out on the beach while waves washed over them, which was definitely not at all scripted, the two headed over to dinner. Chris very nervously propositioned Des about how she would feel about moving to his hometown of Seattle after they inevitably (in his mind) got married. Des was all for it too, though the end of the episode (spoiler alert!) would reveal that the chance of her moving to Rain City is about as likely as her wearing a shirt during this episode that covered her abdomen.
Des then invited Chris to accompany her to the Fantasy Suite (Fantasy Suite Invitation Count: 2) where, again, coitus was the last thing on his mind.
“As long as we get to look at the stars!” – Chris, also seeming to misunderstand the implications of the Fantasy Suite.
The two sat outside the suite and Chris read Des yet another one of his poems, which he couldn’t even manage to make rhyme this time. We are sad to admit that our fondness for Chris is receding as quickly as Chris’s hairline.
The Drama Continues:
Brooks, who had seemingly become too distraught to even wash his hair, finally arrived in Antigua, where he sat down with a therapy session with the useless Chris Harrison (who we usually forget about until he unnecessarily announces each week that only one rose remains). The ABC producers milked the interview for as long as possible, with Chris Harrison prompting Brooks to reiterate several times that he was not, in fact, in love with Des.
Chris Harrison: “So are you not sure, or are you not in love with this girl?”
Brooks: “Hmm.”
In the end, though still Very Confused, Brooks finally concluded that Des was, sadly, not the love of his life, and that he had to make it known to her.
The Surprise Twist:
Meanwhile, Des eagerly awaited Brooks to arrive for her last one-on-one date, blissfully unaware that he is about to break her heart. When Brooks arrived, Des could immediately detect his distress, and so unfolded perhaps the Most Dramatic Moment in Dramatic Bachelorette Moment History, Like, Ever.
Brooks’s crying face, for the record, is not cute. He looked like a cross between a rabid lemur and Crying Kim Kardashian.
Brooks told Des that, while he liked her, he doesn’t like her like her. Which is unfortunate, because Des then revealed that she has loved him this entire time. Which, apparently, Brooks was completely unaware of, even though it was comically obvious to everyone else.
Des: “I didn’t want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you!”
Translation: Everyone knows that none of these other losers ever stood a chance of winning.
With lots of tears, conflicted feelings, and Des curled into the fetal position for several minutes, the episode ended with an agonizing amount of ambiguity. Will Brooks return, or is he gone for good? What is the fate of Drew and Chris? How will the ABC producers ever fill the two-hour block they already have scheduled for next week?
Next week can’t come soon enough!
Photo sources:
http://www.buddytv.com/articles/the-bachelorette/the-bachelorette-season-9-fina-50756.aspx