Another night, another city that supposedly just happens to be perfect for falling in love.
Last night marked the sixth week of Des and her remaining bachelors’ dogged quest for love an escape from their inferiority complexes, and the competition is getting as stiff as the contestants’ hair.
One-on-One Date #1:
After arriving in Barcelona, Meddlesome Drew, who cares deeply about Des but has never actually spoken to her before, received the first one-on-one date, probably because Des remembered he was still in the competition. Drew was quick to dispel any awkwardness/doubts about his sexual orientation by sticking his tongue down her throat moments after greeting her on the street. Way to start the date off with a bang, Drew. Des kiss count: 1.
The two grabbed some hot chocolate and tapas while Drew opened up about his inspirational recovered-alcoholic father who was recently diagnosed with cancer. (Is there anyone on this show who doesn’t have daddy issues…or isn’t a daddy?) The terminal illness/substance abuse/strong family bonds sob story trifecta charmed Des enough for her to make out with him again.
Drew and Des headed to dinner but, by then, Drew was so smitten he couldn’t keep his hands off Des for another minute (because Drew definitely likes girls. Like, no question about it.) With “thoughts and emotions…running crazy,” the pair had a super-steamy make-out in the alleyway, (sort of pretending to be) away from the prying eyes of the camera. It was only after Drew received his rose that he finally did what he’d been waiting to do since last week: meddle. He revealed James’s secret plan to make the top four and profit from the fame the exposure would get him. Though distraught, Des appreciated his honesty. They might have made out again after that, but at that point we couldn’t watch them go at it anymore.
The Plot Thickens:
Meddlesome/Questionably Gay Drew conferred with his fellow tattler Kasey and their newest recruit, the tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G., who had proven his meddling worthiness after ousting Good Christian Man Ben last week, to tell them about his reveal. The Tattle Trio patted themselves on the back and bonded over the mutual Right Reasons they are all here for and their boundless love for a woman they’ve known for a month and a half.
The Group Date:
A soccer match? In a Spanish-speaking country? We’re glad that the producers at least like Juan Pablo as much as we do – talk about a home court advantage!
Unfortunately for Juan Pablo and the rest of the bros, Des recruited some professional women soccer stars to help her take the boys on. As hysterical as Kasey found the prospect of playing against girls, the girls dominated the game in a completely unforeseen twist that absolutely no one saw coming. Not-from-Jersey James manned the goal with a comical lack of effort, only fueling the other boys’ hostility.
After the embarrassing loss, Des spent some time with each of her suitors. Our new favorite Chris stole Des away first, and she surprised him with the poem we’re totally sure she wrote for him herself. Though the saccharine dribble was far from the ABC interns’ best work, Chris probably would have proceeded to make out with her even if she was reading the ingredients from a cereal box. Des kiss count: 2.
Apparently, if Brooks stares at you for a long time, it means he likes you. Profound words from the man with the thick skull and the great hair. Des kiss count: 3.
The Tattle Trio confronted James themselves, and James dismissed the conversation they heard as meaningless bro talk. Kasey took Des aside to confirm Drew’s story, adding that James claimed it didn’t matter if he lost his job, because making the final four would allow him to be financially set for life.
With two of the three tattlers crying wolf, Des announced that no one would be receiving a rose tonight. She and James finally discussed the rumor, and James tried to feign confusion almost as hard as he tried to play goalie earlier. He claimed it was Mikey who was leading the conversation, and Des couldn’t help but believe him. After some tears and inner turmoil, Des told James she needed some “time to process.” After a few minutes, she returned to tell James she needed some more “time to process.” James returned to the house, much to the guys’ incredulity.
One-on-One Date #2:
Zak Looks-like-he’s-40 W. managed to irk us before the date even began by being himself. The two took off for a painting lesson, and Zak showed off his vast knowledge of art by being able to name one Spanish artist. (Um, how about Gaudí, Zak? C’mon, Zak.)
The pair first painted a random man and were both surprisingly adept (way to go, ABC interns!) but then they decided to paint one another and were expectedly unskilled. At this point the producers sent in the nude male for the two to sketch (because what else does one do one a date?) but then the Incredibly Hilarious Zak got the brilliant idea to have Des paint him nude. We were quite relieved when he removed his bathrobe to reveal that he had a pair of tighty whiteys on underneath – and, okay, a pretty decent body. Though we hate to admit it, the prank was kind of funny, we guess. Whatever.
Zak and Des dined in a weird underground cave and then, inevitably, made out (Des kiss count: 4) after which Zak revealed to Des that she means everything to him and she strangely wasn’t repulsed/terrified. Zak received a rose and we prepared ourselves for another week of staring at his crow’s feet.
The Drama Continues:
Drew and James faced off, once again, and Drew was confronted with the horrifying notion that a reality existed outside of this show and would have to be contended with after the show ended. (But this is a reality show! It is real! This is real life!!!)
After having time to process, Des and James met once again. Des concluded that this was all very hard and she was still very confused.
The boys were shocked, once again, to see that James hadn’t been sent packing back to America with his V-necks and hair gel. James took a page from Ben’s book and announced that he wasn’t here to make friends.
The Rose Ceremony:
Though we saw it coming, we were still very sad to see our beloved Juan Pablo go. Kasey was also sent home, as well as James, who was awkwardly hugged goodbye by no one, as he wasn’t here to make friends.
Juan Pablo… call us maybe?
Can’t wait to see the Top 5 take on Portugal next week!
Photo sources:
http://www.wetpaint.com/the-bachelorette
http://tvrecaps.ew.com/recap/the-bachelorette-season-9-episode-6/