'The Bachelorette': Colton Is A Virgin And People Are Shook

Continuing with this season’s theme of WTF Is Happening, Colton, former pro-football player and all around basic bro, announced that he’s a virgin. Maybe he’s not SO basic, after all? Tbh I always sort of got that kind of vibe from him. The other guys always seem ready to throw down and he’s sort of more ready to talk about the latest Jurassic Park sequel. 

Apparently, the other guys have known Colton’s a virgin since forever, and they all can’t believe he got a one-on-one date this week. Um, what ACTUALLY goes on during those dates?

Colton: Peace out guys! Golly, I’m off to have some good, wholesome fun with Becca!
Everyone: You're a virgin who can’t drive.  

Becca, though, was totally oblivious about the whole thing. Seriously. When he told her, she straight up left the room for, like, 10 minutes. She probably had to process the fact that Colton hadn’t understood any of the “conch” jokes she made on their conch-fishing date that day.  

Becca: Oh My God, there’s so much conch! Diving for conch is so much harder than I thought. I had the best day eating conch with Colton. I could eat conch with Colton ALL DAY LONG. 
Colton: …I’m a virgin.

JK here’s how it really went down, over your typical sketchily-lit Bachelorette date dinner. 

Colton: I’m a virgin.  
​Becca: Really?
Colton: Yeah
Becca: Ummm be right back 
Becca: …
Becca: …
Becca: How about now?  

Becca got lucky af, though, because then Colton told her that he’s not waiting for marriage, just for a ‘special moment,’ aka when he stops getting attention for being a virgin on social media. 

Colton: I’m not waiting until marr––
Becca: K, cool, my room in 5?  

Speaking of social media, people on Twitter are SHOOK over the news that Colton’s a virgin, so, congratulations ABC, you successfully distracted Twitter from totally flipping tf out about Trump preempting The Bachelorette for 30 minutes for the SECOND TIME this season. Melania def watches the show and Trump keeps preempting it so she has to look at him instead of a bunch of hot guys. Not fake news. At least the break gave people PLENTY of time to express their opinions about Colton’s virginity. TBH this is getting kind of gross, but we’re in too deep. Here we go...

Some people just, like, can’t grasp why it matters that Colton is a virgin. Yikes. Okay, girl. How’s your love life? 

Others are actively supporting it, to the extreme. Noble? Highly respectable? Um, sure. Like, you do you, Colton, but it’s a personal choice, not something that should be worshipped and applauded. Come on!

At least some people are rightfully weirded out about people rallying behind Colton like he’s some kind of hero. Sorry, not sorry! 

And then there are the ones that flat out don’t believe a word Colton says. Tbh, I’m sort of skeptical too. How do we even define being a “virgin,” anyway? Like, are we supposed to think that Colton has never even––okay, never mind. You get the point. 

It’s all a little sketchy, and it’s about to get a whole lot more sketch next week when Tia makes an appearance! This could go down two ways.

Becca: Tia, what are you doing here?
Tia: Give me back my precious, virginal prince! 

Becca: Tia, what are you doing here?
Tia: If Colton is a virgin, I’m a rocket scientist.