This week’s episode was refreshingly low on Arie references, so the producers had to make up for it with tons of extra drama. And by drama, I mean thinly veiled attempts to distract viewer’s from Becca’s lack of personality with graphic violence and multiple trips to the ER.
1. Tia Majorly Shaded Becca
It’s the first group date, and Becca is arranging snacks she def didn’t make when–surprise!–a bunch of girls from Arie’s season show up, and it’s basically a fake eyelash convention. Can we just take a second to think about how weird this is? Like, imagine if you were on a date with your nine boyfriends and five of your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends decide to join in? TLC, get in on this. Anyway, among the girls is Becca’s “friend” Tia, who Colton just supposedly dated. Nice!
Subtlety is not one of Becca’s strengths. She basically asks Tia if she can “steal her for a sec,” and immediately goes off about her fun weekend away with Colton while they sip cucumber water. Tia is just, like, “Who is he?”
Becca: I totally understand if you’re uncomfortable being here with him, you can totally leave the show––
Tia: Bitch those gummy hair vitamins aren’t going to sell themselves! I need my screen time.
2. Jordan Called David a Bitch
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get away from Jordan! David the Chicken/Finance Bro and Human Ken Doll Jordan are back at it again, shocker. TBH I couldn’t tell you how this argument started no matter how hard I tried. Basically Jordan casually dropped the fact that he has 4,000 Tinder matches and Chicken Guy doesn’t believe him. I mean, he is a numbers guy, so maybe he’s on to something. Jordan then raises his glasses to David and says, “Cheers to you being a bitch!” Yes, that’s a real quote. Jordan is such a catch.
Jordan: I’ve completely moved into David’s head. I should be paying rent to that guy.
Is it poetry? No. But it’s, like, lowkey actually kind of clever. Maybe Jordan wasn’t lying about his IQ being slightly higher than the average male model.
Also Jordan: I’m a Wilhelmina model. Do you even know what that means?
Yes, Jordan, it means you have connections in the business because you’re no Cindy Crawford, sorry not sorry.
3. David Got Beat Up By Jordan––Not.
Okay, this really annoyed me. At least on JoJo’s season when they kept teasing some kind of violent altercation between two of the guys, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. This time, the producers went so far as to get an audio clip of one of the guys saying “I think it was Jordan,” after showing a literal trail of blood on the mansion floor while David is being carried out in a stretcher. The guys are all like “please do not die,” and then the camera cuts to CCTV footage of Jordan chilling on the couch. Is this Law & Order or The Bachelorette? Like, for all this drama I’d expect Jordan to swing at Chicken Guy at least once. Nope. He legit fell off his bed directly onto his face. How much did the producers pay him to do that?
4. Blake called Becca his Girlfriend
Okay, enough of Chicken Guy. Can we talk about how cute Blake is? TBH, if I was Becca, I would just send everyone else home and spend 12 weeks going on dates with Blake. So maybe he doesn’t get as much screen time as some of the other guys, but that’s just because he doesn’t go around causing drama and bragging about his alleged 100% match rate on Tinder. He also called Becca his girlfriend this week, which is really cute and also dumb (she has around 20 boyfriends right now, by those standards) but also cute. It def qualifies as drama because after he said it, Blake made it clear that he’s here to bring it.
Blake: I thought I would be okay sharing a girl with 20 other guys, but like now, I don’t know. I don’t want to share Becca.
Becca: I just want to take a nap with you!
5. Clay broke up with Becca
IDK, I feel like if I was a star NFL player and a girl took me on a football-themed date in which I suffered a career-threatening injury, I’d definitely consider ending things with her—and that’s exactly what Clay did. Yes, he is a legit NFL football player. And yes, he broke his wrist playing football with a bunch of Sales Reps on The Bachelorette. And yes, he quit the show. Clay told Becca something about needing money and having to leave and get the surgery so he could continue to work—but the average NFL player gets paid $1.9 million per year, and Clay’s been in the business for 10. You do the math.
After Clay left, Becca was so heartbroken I thought they were talking about Arie again. (Thankfully, no.) Cheer up, girl––you have like 15 other guys waiting for you in the mansion.