No matter what, people can’t decide what age I look. It’s never my actual age—twenty-two—and it’s never older. But it ranges anywhere from twelve (yes—I got that from a woman in line at Fire & Ice) to nineteen, with every variation in between. I’ve even been carded for looking under eighteen in a mall after 5 p.m.
So when I found out there was a new website that measures your age, gender and attractiveness, I was ready to try it. I try almost all of these websites just to get a kick out of whatever nonsense it tells me.
Faces, which was created by Computer Vision Laboratory and Swiss dating app BLINQ, allows you to upload any photo and it will detect the age, gender and attractiveness of the person in the photo.
I put the app to the test. First, I tried photos of, in my opinion, some of the hottest celebrities.
Nina Dobrev is godlike. I see that.
Faces, you’re not wrong.
Wow, I think Samira Wiley is definitely more than “nice,” and she’s definitely no man, but whatever.
Then I started uploading photos of myself. I’ve had a variety of hair colors and styles, and each of them influenced by stereotypical “hotness” (as measured by daily catcalls) and the age people thought I looked. I’ve had ombre purple, a pixie cut, long straight blonde, long dark brown, and short medium brown, all with different results.
What did Faces think?
This is my current Twitter and LinkedIn photo, so I’m really fond of it. I used my Canon EOS Rebel to take the shot and I think I look pretty good. Apparently, I’m only “nice,” but at least Faces thinks I’m nineteen. That’s something.
I tried to trick Faces by uploading a pic with my pixie cut, which frequently had little kids asking what gender I was.
I was seventeen at the time of that photo, so that’s not too shabby. No surprise it thinks I’m a guy, because I got the same comment from quite a few kids during this hair period. I’m a little offended about that “hmm” rating, though.
I had braces from ages 17 to 22 and just got them off this summer (never get braces right before college, that’s the lesson) so I wanted to see if they had any impact on my age and attractiveness.
Apparently not. In this cute selfie, the most noticeable aspect of me was my necklace. I get it, it’s a pretty cool Time Turner. It’s still not twenty-four years old.
What would Faces think of my blonde hair, or my best recent selfie?
When I was blonde, I was twenty. It was also the six-month period in which I was the most frequently catcalled I’ve ever been in my life, starting with the exact moment I stepped out of the hairdressers. Despite that, Faces ranked me at only “nice,” and sixteen. I’m still glad I left the phase behind me, because being blonde and noticed is hard work.
This is my best recent selfie, which I took two months ago. I chose this one because I was hit on twice in the same day, and I also felt really confident before that happened. According to Faces, I’m twenty-five and “hot”—or rather, it’s the car that’s looking good. Okay.
After I tested a few of my various hairstyles, I started to get a little silly with Faces.
What would happen if I uploaded a photo of me holding up a caricature of me?
That drawing of me is totally twenty-five and a guy.
I also tried out a photo of one of my cats, because damn, she’s gorgeous.
Apparently, my cat is thirty-two and hot. I’m a little sad that Faces based this decision on a clump of my blanket, though. My blanket is definitely not hotter than this gorgeous tabby, no matter how well I make the bed.
I also tested what would happen if I uploaded the gorgeous drawing of me that my friend, artist Damian Alexander, made. I use this picture on my portfolio and I always receive really positive responses.
Faces decided it “couldn’t detect a face.” Okay, but my necklace and a blanket are faces? What kind of logic is this?
I tried a few different versions of the file, all to no avail. What else would Faces accept as a true face?
Apparently, even Bit Strips count as a face. But my cartoon self is only “okay.”
I’m a little outraged that the website couldn’t detect a beautifully rendered drawing, but saw a face in a clump of sheets. What does Faces think it is, a stoner watching the clouds roll by? My bed is not an accurate representation of human anatomy any more than hours of a talented artists’ hard work and dedication.
On the plus side, Faces never ranked me as twelve, so it’s at least doing better than the woman at Fire & Ice who was utterly dumbfounded to find out that I was there as part of a college presentation trip two years ago.