Lena Dunham has a lot to say about Beyoncé’s song “Sorry.” While everyone is still caught up on figuring out who “Becky with the good hair” is, Dunham chose to focus on a different lyric: “Sorry, I ain’t sorry.”
In an essay on LinkedIn, Dunham explains the importance of this lyric in allowing “women to express (safely, while pretending with all their might to be Bey) just how sick to death they were of apologizing.”
Most women can agree that we have a tendency to over apologize, often for things out of our control or things we shouldn’t even feel sorry about in the first place. “Apologizing is a modern plague,” Dunham states, “and I’d be willing to bet…that many women utter “I’m sorry” more on a given day than “Thank You” and “You’re Welcome” combined.”
Dunham attributes this tendency to a lack of confidence in ourselves, which translates to difficulty in “owning our power,” thus leading us to apologize rather than be self-assured in our actions and decisions. As a woman who took on the role of boss at just 24 years old, Dunham experiences this constantly. “If I changed my mind, if someone disagreed with me, even if someone else misheard me or made a mistake…I was so, so sorry,” she says. Girls producer Jenni Konner even texted her, “If you say sorry again, I’m going to lovingly murder you,” to which Dunham replied, “I’m sorry.”
What Dunham realized was that she—like most women—doesn’t necessarily feel sorry when she apologizes. Instead, “sorry” becomes a catch-all phrase to hide her true emotions. Often she finds herself apologizing when she’s angry, because “I’m afraid anything but sorry will cause me to explode and drip my hideous rage juice all over someone I’m simultaneously pissed at and trying to please. And so saying sorry serves as a sort of cork, making sure my emotions are contained and packaged neatly.”
That is not to say that we should stop apologizing altogether. A real, genuine apology is important in acknowledging one’s mistakes in order to learn and grow. But as women, it’s important to distinguish when it’s appropriate to apologize and when we’re just saying “sorry” out of habit when we really don’t mean it.
In the case of the latter, what exactly should we replace “sorry” with? Dunham suggests “an actual expression of your needs and desires” is a good alternative. Instead of saying “sorry” for things out of our control, or apologizing for decisions others may not agree with, we should clearly express what it is that we are thinking and feeling. Clear communication, rather than feigned apologies, will make for better relations in your work and personal life.