We need to talk. As your friend, I feel it's my duty to be honest with you. It's like that time you asked me what I thought about that guy you had a crush on. Aren't you happy I drew your attention to his patch of thinning hair and ominous mouth sore? Or that other time when you asked if your makeup looked okay for your date? I think we all learned an important lesson that day about why lip liner is a no-no. Sometimes a little intervention is necessary, and that's why I'm coming to you now. I think you're a catch, I really do. You are confident, and intelligent, and unconventionally attractive - like the character in a romantic comedy that ends up with the guy and not the one he sleeps with a few times before moving on. It's just that sometimes it's hard to see that beautiful, quirky girl when you're dressed like you're auditioning for the touring company of RENT. I think you know what I'm talking about. I've listed some of the worst offenses below.
(L)Egging Me On
I'll forgive you for this one because it's such a widespread problem. Regardless, it needs to be addressed. I will be as succinct as possible. Leggings are NOT pants. I understand how you could make this mistake. A number of Hollywood starlets and thousands of your peers make it every day. I suppose denim and stretchy black fabric just look oddly similar to you girls. Don't get me wrong; leggings are not inherently awful. If you are wearing a long tunic or a dress then leggings don't really seem out of place. In fact, they can complement the right outfit. But unless you are on the way to a yoga or dance class, leggings are not to be worn in place of pants. If your entire butt is visible, then your top is too short for leggings. The threat of cameltoe is too great.
You know I have nothing against American Apparel. I really do enjoy hearing about all of the different ways that dress can be worn, and God knows I have more than a few fitted v-necks hanging in my closet. But the trouble comes when you treat that store like it's the only store. When you walk out of your bedroom wearing pink, acid-wash jeans and a rust-colored acid-wash tee, it's a little hard not to laugh. And every time you stroll into class wearing a lamé skirt with sequined leggings and a neon jacket, I have to fight the urge to hide behind my backpack so you won't sit near me. Babe, those clothes were never meant to be worn from head to toe. Sure, the models in the posters pull it off, but it's hard to look bad in anything when you're 5'10, 120 pounds, and miraculously have a C-cup. In the context of reality, red, skintight sequins and neon hues just can't be worn together. Keep it simple. I encourage you to show off your personality with some bright, flashy items, but if you wear more than one at a time the flashiness is a little blinding. Stick to one crazy item per outfit; the world can't handle any more than that.
One Size Fits Few
I'm aware that you're a little self-conscious about your body. With size 2 girls dominating television and advertisements, it can be difficult being a larger size. Believe me, I remember my chunky middle school years with painful clarity. But listen to me and listen closely. You must accept the size you are. If you fit into a 10, don't buy a vest in a 6 to "accentuate your waist" or a skintight dress to "show off your curves." Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Scott! Your shirts are tight enough to qualify as baby clothes. How can you tell me to wear clothes in my own size?" And to that I can only say this: We're not talking about me right now. Also, I go to the gym six days a week. Don't be hateful. Just keep in mind that tight and fitted are two different things. Wearing tight clothes when you're not in perfect shape just brings more attention to minor flaws.
Today's fashion isn't a perfect fit for everyone. Not every girl feels at home in a belted sweater-dress or what have you. And so it's only natural that you may occasionally have the desire to stop by a thrift store to dredge up some treasure from fashion's murky past. As an eco-friendly student of the 21st century, I applaud your efforts to recycle. A lightly worn pair of shoes or pants shouldn't go to waste, and could make a great addition to your wardrobe. But this can easily lead to fashion mistake number four. To illustrate this point, I'll bring you back to the good old days of middle school geometry: all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. Similarly, all vintage clothes are old, but not all old clothes are vintage. It's important to realize that many items from decades past were thrown out for a reason. A shoulder-padded dress in a heinous floral print from the 80's doesn't deserve space in your closet. Just because you pair it with some cool accessories doesn't mean you've negated its tackiness. I hope you understand that I'm only looking out for your best interests. If I allow you to continue on these destructive paths, you'll only hurt yourself in the end. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?