Some people call sex “making love,” but sometimes – a lot of the time – you don’t love the person you’re hooking up with, you might even hate them. That’s where hate sex, or sex with someone you’re not exactly fond of, comes in. In an ideal world, maybe we’d all have sex exclusively with people we like, but the world is a big place, and sometimes there are just people we don’t like. But liking someone’s personality and sexual attraction don’t always go hand-in-hand, and sometimes a girls gotta just give in, but does giving in have repercussions, emotionally and physically speaking? After all, sex is sex, right? Right?
Pros
The big-O
It’s not like orgasms always hinge on your feelings for the person. Emotions are an important part of sexual experiences, but sex itself is also physical act, and not everyone has to feel all warm and fuzzy about someone in order to feel good having sex, i.e. orgasms.
A potential new SO
You never know what you’ll learn when you have sex. First impressions say a lot about a person, but snap judgments can also be wrong. There’s a chance you choose to sleep with someone you think is a total d-bag, but then somewhere along the line you realize you may have made a mistake.
“I once had hate sex with this douchey guy I had a class with because I think I wanted to prove that he wasn’t as hot as he thought he was but then his whole attitude changed,” Marisa Pieper, Arizona State University ’20, says. “He started being super nice to me, wanting to take me out on dates and we ended up being together for about a year! I definitely wouldn’t recommend using hate-sex as a flirting technique but it was pretty funny that that’s how it ended up.”
Not saying you should be that girl that tries to change bad guys into good ones, but sometimes once you get to know someone you might realize they’re not as bad as you initially thought. And sex is definitely one way to get to know someone.
Passion
As long as you’re okay with casual sex, hooking up with someone all seen rom-coms where a huge argument leads to *steamy* sex, and if hate sex is half as good as they make it look in the movies, giving it a try might not be so bad. Honestly, it’s probably more likely hate sex pans out than trying to make our love life like a Nicholas Sparks movie.
“There’s something about releasing your anger when your having sex with someone you hate. It’s passionate and just hotter,” senior Christina* says. “Then you can go away afterward with no feelings.”
Cons
Long term benefit might be less likely
Some people do not mind having totally casual sex, no strings attached. Others enjoy sex because of the physical and emotional connection and the potential that it will make you closer with said person. “I’m not really at the point yet where I can sleep with someone without hoping something comes of it. Anyone I have sex with I am genuinely interested in to some degree,” Wren*, a senior from the University of Notre Dame says. “I don’t think I’d really get anything out of it if I f***ed someone just because I thought they were hot, especially if they were someone whose intentions are to just hit it and quit it.”
Related: 8 Signs They’re Not Looking for a Relationship
Pleasing the person you hate
Even if you enjoy the sex and are totally down for it, this person you don’t like also probably enjoyed the sex. It might be petty to not want them to enjoy it, but hey, no one’s perfect. Also, if whomever you’re sleeping with genuinely isn’t a good person, why should they get the satisfaction of sex with you?
“I hooked up with an ex who treated me like s***,” Kristen* from Mizzou says. “Looking back, that was dumb.”
Just something to think about.
The chance that you’re not going to be satisfied
If the person you’re sleeping with doesn’t like you either, they might not even care if you leave the experience together thoroughly pleased. Sometimes it’s hard for girls to have an orgasm, so if they couldn’t care less about your needs (maybe justifiably since you don’t like them either) they might just call it quits when they’ve gotten what they came for.
Emotional carnage
Depending on who you’re sleeping with and who your as a person, the fact that you dislike them might make you feel a little empty at the end of the experience. Even Christina*, who said she’s had good hate sex, admitted she doesn’t always feel great afterwards. “There have been a couple of times where I cried to be honest because I was kind of mad at myself for giving the guy what he wanted,” she says.
Should every girl try out hate sex? Probably not. But if you’re emotionally prepared, wanting to try something new in your sex life, and really and truly okay with it, give it a go.