Break ups. Ugh. Never clean, rarely final, and always emotionally draining. Just reading the word alone is upsetting. But sometimes the hardest part of the split isn’t the actual break up, it’s that little, nagging voice in your head saying, Wait…was that a mistake?
We consulted therapist and relationship expert, Dr. Tom Arbaugh from Staunton, VA, and the Outreach and Consultation Specialist at JMU’s Counseling and Student Development Center, Dr. Celeste Thomas, to help make sense of one of the most confusing and exhausting post-break up dilemmas known to woman: The Ex-Boyfriend Deliberation. Do you get back together with him? Do you move on for good? What do you do?!
Read on to figure out which kind of Ex you’re dealing with, and, well, how to deal.
The Cheater
Including country divas Kellie Pickler and Carrie Underwood, some people have extremely strong views on this complex ex-boyfriend profile. If you, too, believe that “a cheater is always a cheater,” you might agree that this is an irreversible deal-breaker. However, not every girl feels that a second chance is out of the question.
“Sometimes there’s so much past with someone you’ve been with for a long time, that it can be hard just to walk away…” says JMU junior, Kaitlyn Burrows.
Dr. Arbaugh says, “What really has to be asked is ‘What is my role in his cheating?’” This can be a difficult and painful question to ask ourselves as the “victim”, but he believes that it is necessary to figure out what went wrong, and whether or not that second chance is a good idea. “Of course we always feel that the cheater is the ‘scumbag’, but we always forget that there are two people in a relationship,” he explains.
Dr. Thomas agrees that finding out “the why” is very important, including if there’s any family history of infidelity. “Negative patterns usually repeat,” she explains.
So, what’s the final verdict on the Cheater Ex-Boyfriend? Dr. Thomas says you should base your decision off of whether or not that “why” question can be resolved. “If the reason is some sort of internal problem and they’re not able to resolve the issue – like they only cheat when they’re drunk but won’t give up alcohol – chances are they’ll cheat again,” she says. So consider giving him a second chance if you’ve figured out why it happened, and why you’re both confident it won’t ever happen again.
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The First Love
Oh, the First Love syndrome. Everyone remembers that first guy they really fell hard for – which is exactly why going through this break up can be so hard to move on from. When he’s the first one you’ve ever really had to get over, forgetting about him can be extremely difficult.
Alana Massey, a junior at JMU, agrees. “You put your first love on such a pedestal, that every ‘love’ after it will never be as great. And it’s not that the ones after that aren’t as good, it’s just that they’re not…a ‘first’.”
This is where some crucial self-reflection time comes in. Do you miss him because everyone else you’ve dated after him has been so different? Or do you miss him because no one else after him has even compared?
If you’re not sure, Dr. Arbaugh has some advice to help. “Many times just getting a good distance (emotionally, if not physically) from a guy is the most helpful part of successfully breaking up…then she can know what she actually wanted from that relationship.”
Michelle Clements, a senior at Moore College of Art & Design, had more than a “good distance” between her and her current boyfriend before they got together.
“I met Wouter in 2005 when I was in Belgium, but I had a boyfriend at the time and he was in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend, so it was kind of awkward timing,” she says.
Even after they both became single, Clements felt that starting a relationship with someone on the other side of the world seemed unrealistic. They stayed in touch by sending packages to each other and talking online, but continued dating other people. “I still felt like, ‘This is perfect, but it can’t happen now. We have to do our own thing until we can be together,’” says Clements. Turns out, she was right.
Three whole years later, after meeting back up with Wouter in Amsterdam while she was on a study tour, Clements realized that they had something too good to pass up. They decided to be together, and thanks to some overseas internships and well-spent Christmas breaks, they have had success with their long-distance relationship ever since.
Verdict? Dr. Thomas says give another chance to the First Love Ex if: “You’ve had a clean break and looked at what went wrong to cause of the break up, and both people are willing to make appropriate changes.”
The Light Switch
Otherwise known as the “On and Off” relationship, this can make for a very damaging and confusing (ex) boyfriend profile. As if it isn’t hard enough to move on once, the people involved in this type of relationship often go back-and-forth multiple times between being together and being separated.
“On-and-off relationships aren’t for everybody. You definitely have to have a really tough skin,” Burrows explains. “Because your relationship is literally ‘on-and-off’, there are going to be periods of time where one of you is dating somebody else or hooking up with somebody.”
If it is so difficult to carry on, why is it such a common relationship habit to get into? “People often get back with an ex because it is easier to have a terrible relationship with someone you know than it is to start over,” says Dr. Arbaugh.
Massey can relate to this ex-boyfriend profile. “Our relationship is just a game where he sucks me back in. He texted me a few days ago and said he’s ‘miserable without me,’ but I went on his Facebook and saw he had sent a message to another girl asking her to dinner,” said Massey. “I want him to change, but I don’t think he will.”
As hard as it is, these are the type of realizations you need to keep telling yourself if you’re stuck in an on-and-off relationship. “Learn something about yourself, address that, and begin working on a new relationship,” says Dr. Arbaugh.
If it’s still the Light Switch Ex that you want to start a new relationship with, here’s the final verdict according to Dr. Thomas: “When you keep saying changes are going to happen and change doesn’t happen, or when you’re stuck because it’s comfortable, time to go.” Use those guidelines to gauge if it’s why you’re stuck in the cycle, and make moves from there.
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The One Your Parents Hate
Here’s one last profile that may be causing internal strife when making the Ex-Boyfriend Deliberation: The One Your Parents Hate. Not only could this potentially ruin the chances of ever getting back with the guy, but it could also do some permanent damage to the relationship you have with your parents – and nobody wants that
So what do you do? Dr. Arbaugh says he’d find out the following first: “Why do the parents hate him? Do they hate every boy she dates?” He explains that sometimes it might be an issue unrelated to the relationship, like the parents thinking that no one will ever be good enough for their daughter.
Making the decision for this one can get kind of tricky, considering all your parents want is what’s best for you. “You need to really look outside yourself,” says Dr. Thomas. “You’ve respected their opinions your whole life, what is different about this?” Analyze if the reason why they don’t want you to get back with him is because it actually is what’s best for you.
Final Verdict: “If her parents usually like the guys that she dates, but hate this one and can present good reasons why they hate this one, then it really could (and maybe should) be a deal breaker,” he says. However, don’t be afraid to fight for their approval if it’s something you feel strongly about or if their reasons for hating him aren’t justified – because they also just want to see you happy, and they might eventually come around.
Use Your Head
To sum up all four of the sticky situations listed above, Dr. Arbaugh has one simple piece of advice: “You have to really look at why you broke up, what the characteristics are that you’re really seeking, and if this person has these characteristics.”
If you take the time to figure out what it is you should be getting from a relationship with an “old flame”, you’ll be well on your way to figuring out whether you’re ready to strike another match, or snuff it out for good.
Sources:
Dr. Thomas Arbaugh, Counselor/Therapist, Ph.D.
Celeste R. Thomas, M.S., Ph.D. Outreach and Consultation Specialist Coordinator, Peer Mentor Program
Kaitlyn Burrows, JMU junior
Alana Massey, JMU junior
Michelle Clements, Moore College of Art & Design senior