Many of us have no doubt had to deal with the aftermath of a breakup. Between awkward run-ins on campus to poring over his Facebook for signs that he’s moved on (admit it––you so do it with the rest of us!), breakups are hard to deal with. What’s often trickier, however, is making the decision about whether or not a breakup really is the right decision.
That’s why we’ve consulted two relationship experts––Beatty Cohan and Stephan Labossiere ––to weigh in on some of the most common reasons why college students break up, giving you both a male and a female perspective on the situation as well as their opinions on whether or not a relationship is salvageable.
The Situation: One of You Cheated
Breakups are messy enough without having to deal with the extra slew of emotions that arise when cheating is involved. Whether you’re the cheater or the one who was cheated on, does cheating always signal the end of a relationship?
She says: “I [personally] would have zero tolerance,” says Cohan. “It’s a real, real red flag.”
Before you have “the talk,” however, Cohan advises taking time to find out why your significant other cheated. Was it a drunken hook-up? Was it a meaningless, one-time thing? Even though this may or may not excuse the infidelity, Cohan says it’s always a good idea to figure out what it was that pushed him to violate the terms of your relationship, and find out if you did anything that may have contributed to his actions.
That being said, Cohan definitely stands firm on her advice to collegiettes dealing with cheating boyfriends. “I’d strongly suggest passing on this one. Why would you want to continue [once you know someone’s cheated]?” she says.
Keep in mind that the same thing applies if you’re the cheater as well. If you follow Cohan’s advice, be prepared for your boyfriend to seriously doubt your commitment to the relationship.
He says: “I think it really depends on what happens,” says Labossiere. “All cheating is not equal in my eyes.” To Labossiere, how serious infidelity is depends on factors like how serious you are, how long you’ve been dating, etc. Of course, Labossiere’s statement doesn’t give cheaters out there a blank slate and excuse to do it over and over again. “Regardless of why [cheating occurred], address why it happened,” he says. He also suggests using cheating as an opportunity to examine and address any other concerns you might have about the relationship. “If we’re treating our partner [badly], we’re opening the door to discussion of other problems,” he says.
The Situation: Your Long-Distance Relationship Isn’t Working
Oh, long-distance relationships––the bane of many a collegiette. It can be hard when you’re at school and your boyfriend is miles away, whether you’ve been seeing each other since high school, you met off-campus somewhere and decided to begin dating, you’re studying abroad or you’re in any other scenario that might tear you apart. What’s a collegiette to do if things start to get too hard, and the distance becomes too much to handle?
She says: According to Cohan, the key to making miles of separation less of an obstacle for a relationship is how committed each of you is to making it work. “The fact is, unless you’re able to spend some real time with people, it’s often tough to remain committed,” she says. “It’s certainly stressful.” Cohan says two of the most important elements in a successful long-distance relationship are commitment and desire on both parts of those involved.
If you’re experiencing a lot of arguing, hurt feelings and other negative side effects of a long-distance relationship, it’s probably a good time to reevaluate how committed each of you is to making things work. If one or both of you simply isn’t feeling it or isn’t willing to put in the effort anymore, it might be time to call it quits. “I wouldn’t say there’s no chance [with making long-distance work,], but there are definite contingencies to success,” says Cohan.
He says: “Long-distance relationship issues can be worked through,” says Labossiere. “You can definitely get on the same page,” especially if you can visit each other on a regular basis, you keep in touch via Skype or texting or you find other ways to combat the physical space between you.
However, Labossiere is definitely no fan of long-distance in college. “When you’re in college, there’s so much pressure,” he says. “It’s going to be tough to be faithful.” He recommends long-distance couples forge a friendship while they’re apart. If you started as friends and one of you is leaving to spend some time away from campus, dial your relationship back to just friends. This is a good way to keep yourself from having unrealistic expectations, and it prevents hurt feelings if you’re having a hard time getting satisfaction out of a long-distance relationship.
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The Situation: You Want to be More Serious And He Doesn’t (or Vice Versa)
Maybe you started as a hook-up and decided to take things to the next level. Or, you started as friends and decided to try being more. Whatever the scenario, elevating things to the next level (whether that’s adding things like making out or having sex to the mix, deciding to go exclusive or whatever the case may be) hasn’t been as jolly of an experience as you’d hoped. Should you keep trying to make a relationship work or go back to being whatever it was you were before you started the relationship?
She says: “That has to be negotiated, just like everything else in a relationship,” says Cohan. According to her, it’s usually pretty clear what the best fit is for both of you. “If you play it out and one person is saying they don’t want a relationship, there won’t be one,” she says.
That may be a hard pill for some collegiettes to swallow, especially if it’s a relationship you really tried hard to make work, but Cohan says honesty really is the best policy. “You can’t force somebody to be in a relationship if they don’t want to be,” she says. “People need to put themselves on the line and be honest about what they want. Take a deep breath and take the time to really know where your partner is at if you’re feeling like the two of you are on different pages.” Cohan stresses the importance of keeping communication open and honest to ensure that you both enter into a relationship (or friendship, if that’s the case) that’s truly best for both of you.
He says: Labossiere was clear on his position with regards to this scenario: “100 percent break up. This is not even arguable in my eyes,” he says. “If you expect less, you’re going to get less. You’re only enabling your partner’s behavior.” Labossiere argues that, from a male perspective at least, there’s no real reason to be in a relationship and deal with the set of demands and expectations that come with it if you’re sending out signals (however subtle or obvious they may be) that you’re okay remaining anything less than boyfriend/girlfriend. In his eyes, sex is not a way to get or keep a man. If your fling has lost a lot of the fun or passion it used to have, it’s probably a sign that you need to move on and find something that feels better.
The Situation: One or Both of You is Graduating
Remember that infamous line from Romeo and Juliet: “Parting is such sweet sorrow”? Obviously, the whole “spending time apart” thing didn’t work out so well for those two. The same can be said for many college couples that end up splitting as a result of one or both moving away from the campus where you first connected. Does leaving always have to equate to a breakup, though?
She says: For Cohan, the decision on whether or not to break up comes down to the willingness of the two of you to make it work. The key is to be open and clear about your expectations, and decide what you’re ready to handle. “Be honest with yourself as well as with your partner about where you’re at,” she says. She advises collegiettes to be prepared to deal with different attitudes and expectations. “This is a subject that has to come up as soon as you know you’re leaving,” she says.
If the two of you are having a hard time reaching a consensus or settling on terms, Cohan also says adopting more of a “wait and see” attitude can be a good compromise. Try things out, be flexible and make the best of the situation.
He says: Labossiere is on the same page as Cohan with this one. “Long distance is all about being honest with one another,” he says. “Our biggest problem is we’re afraid to be honest.” He stresses the importance of talking to your significant other about what you need and expect before your relationship changes for better or for worse. Discuss things like how often you’ll talk to one another and how often in-person visits might be possible, and be very clear about how serious and committed you expect each other to remain to the relationship. “Agree to these things,” says Labossiere. “Talk about it, be honest and be on the same page.”
Again, if you’re having a hard time agreeing on boundaries for your time apart, it might be smarter to dial things back and try spending your time apart as just friends. “If you require attention and affection and Skype doesn’t do it for you, just be friends,” advises Labossiere.
Breakups are rarely a neat, tidy affair. A quick scan of this article alone reveals that guys and gals can be on totally separate pages when it comes to dealing with common issues that often result in breakups in college! Whether you end up loving life as a fabulous single collegiette or wind up sticking with a relationship and use the opportunity to fix your problems, it’s important to realize that life goes on, regardless of your relationship status. After all, you’ll have plenty of time after college to meet Prince Charming!