We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Jon is here to help you navigate the college dating scene!
Hey, there! I’m 19 and my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We started dating junior year of high school and are both now in our sophomore years of college at different schools about 45 minutes apart. He has really bad trust issues. On move-in day my freshman year, he told me in all seriousness, “no guy friends.” Naturally, I make friends based on a person’s personality and how much fun I have with them, so I have three guy friends now, two of which are taken. They are a lot of fun to be around and help ease my stress. Along with those three guy friends, I have two girl friends, so I think I have a good balance. However, my boyfriend hates these guy friends. Even though he has met two of them and even though two of them are taken, he gets so pissy when I hang out with them. I have reassured him time and time again that he is the only one I want to be with and been upfront about how unfair he is being. After two and a half years of being together, he hates every guy friend I get even though literally ALL of his friends are girls. I just need an unbiased opinion, I guess! What should I do? – Irritated in OC
Irritated in OC,
Your boyfriend is insecure. He is scared you are going to be taken away from him by another man. This fear arose when both of you started going to different schools. The distance, even just 45 minutes, led him to believe he lost some sort of control over the relationship. To him, not physically being at school with you is somehow a threat to your relationship.
That is where he is coming from… and he is dead wrong. You have not given him any reason to distrust you. Healthy, stable relationships involve trust, and he is not providing that. He doesn’t reciprocate your faith in him to remain loyal despite the fact that he himself has many friends of the opposite sex. That distrust and imbalance is causing unnecessary strain on your relationship. Now for the biggest red flag: he thinks it is okay to command you to do something you disagree with and then act “pissy” when you go against it. It’s more than fine for you to have platonic friends who are men. No boyfriend should think he can order you to do something, no matter what that something might be.
You need to tell him things have to change. He either needs to learn to trust you like you trust him so the relationship can continue and grow— or it’s over. Show him that he has no right to order you to do something. If you allow him to think that behavior is acceptable, you are going have a dysfunctional relationship and a negative effect on your friendships.
Best of luck,
Jon