Ever wanted to get inside a girl’s mind? Want to know whether all girls are crazy, or if you just don’t quite understand them (hint: it’s the 2nd one…)? Luckily, Real Live College Girl Cassidy is here to answer all your questions about women and relationships, with poise, charisma, and a little bit of humor. And don’t worry, she won’t judge you on your questions… unless you seem cute. Girls—pass this onto your guy friends and boyfriends, stat!
I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend last night who I dated 3 years ago. How long should I wait until I call or text her?
– State School Steve
Dear Steve,
Hooking up with an ex is always tough. It’s also always unpredictable, and each time it happens (with each different ex), it’s always different depending on the circumstances. Ex hookups do (fortunately or unfortunately) often happen, because you’re already comfortable with each other, you’re probably still attracted to each other, and having sex with them again wouldn’t add a number to your list of partners (since you’ve already been there, done that!). But since I don’t know your exact situation, I can’t give you a definite answer. However, it sounds like you like your ex, and don’t want this hookup to be a one-time thing. So I’ll give you my advice for how you should handle this in 3 common scenarios:
Scenario #1: You and your ex hooked up drunkenly and randomly. We all know that random drunken hookups are usually just that – random. Whether the other person is your ex or a cutie from one of your classes, drunken hookups don’t have a lot of meaning or sentimental value behind them. In your case, if you don’t want to continue hooking up with your ex, then this is perfect, because you can use the drunkenness as an excuse, and you don’t need to feel bad if you don’t call or text her to follow up. But if you do want to make this more than just one drunken hookup, wait a few days (at least 3 days, but ideally until the next weekend), and then text or call her to see if she wants to do something other than go to a party. Try asking her out on a date, to dinner or coffee, or even just have her over to your apartment/dorm/house to hang out – as long as your “date” doesn’t involve getting drunk again, you should be good! When you do have to bring up the topic of “so, we hooked up…” to your ex, start out with something light-hearted, so that you can both laugh about it. Drunken hookups aren’t exactly a serious, intellectual topic, so don’t try to make it one! Just casually say, “So, last night (or whenever it was…) was fun,” and then give an adorable, charming little chuckle. Then see where it goes from there! That will give her the opportunity to continue the conversation about the hookup, or avoid the topic completely. There’s no way for her to reject you if you go about it this way – especially when you’re being so cute and light-hearted! So in this scenario: Wait at least 3 days (or until the next weekend) to call or text her.
Scenario #2: You and your ex remained friends after you broke up. When two friends who have a dating history hook up again, it is never just a one-time thing. There’s too much lingering sexual tension, and too much friendship on the line. You can’t ignore the fact that you hooked up again, but you can’t assume that you’re all of a sudden going to get back together. If you want to continue hooking up/hanging out with her, you need to make sure that you’re both on the same page – or things can and will get dangerous. If you usually talk every day, then call or text her the next day. But if you only talk once a week, wait at least 3 days and then call or text her. Either way, when you do talk to her next, try to make it as awkwardness-free as possible. Don’t avoid the fact that you hooked up – you’re better off talking about it right off the bat, and telling her exactly how you feel (however that may be). Then hopefully she’ll tell you that she feels the same way, and you can continue on from there! To bring up the dreaded topic, start out with something that goes along with the characteristic of your relationship. If you guys joke around a lot, start off jokingly and light-hearted (see Scenario #1). But if you usually have deep conversations about serious topics, start the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “I had a lot of fun with you the other night, and I would love to keep hanging out with you like that, but I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.” and then see what she says in response. If she doesn’t want to continue hooking up with you, that will give her the opportunity to say so, or to say that she wants to keep hooking up! If she says she doesn’t want to keep hooking up with you, do whatever you can to assure her that it is ok, and that you still want to be her good friend. Tell her the friendship doesn’t have to be awkward now, and then make sure it’s not awkward. Pretend you don’t have feelings for her, and pretend the hookup never happened. Try to think about why you guys broke up in the first place, and think about why she’s such a great friend, and that maybe it is better if you are just friends. So for this scenario: However often you guys usually talk, wait that long to call or text her.
Scenario #3: You weren’t drunk, but you’re not friends either. This one is probably the trickiest situation of all, because you don’t have a lot of recent history to support you, but you don’t have the excuse of being drunk. Obviously, you are both still attracted to each other (well, hopefully you don’t soberly hook up with people you’re not attracted to!), so you might possibly want to hookup with each other again. In this scenario, as hard as it may be, I would say wait for her to call or text you. Yes, most of the time girls wait for the boy to be the one to call or text them, but since you guys don’t talk normally and you were both sober when the hookup occurred, the next time you talk is likely to be a bit awkward. So just wait it out, and if after a week and a half she still hasn’t called you, then feel free to pick up your phone and dial her number. But otherwise, wait for her to call you. When you do finally talk to her, if she’s the one calling you, see what she says first, and then go from there. You can adapt what you want to say to whatever she just said. For example, if she said she doesn’t want to keep hooking up with you, you can say that you agree (even if you really do want to keep hooking up… She’ll never know!). That way, only you will know that she rejected you. Of course, if your ex is a mind-reader, this plan might not work so well… If you do have to be the one to call her first, try to bring up the topic in a way that shows her why she liked you when you first dated. Be charming, not awkward, and act as if it’s the beginning of your relationship all over again. Throw in a little flirting, and a, “So… It was so random seeing you last weekend, but it was great!” But, if possible, for this scenario: Wait for her to call or text you.
In the end, you both are probably feeling the same thing right now – you just hooked up after 3 years, and neither one of you wants to call too soon and/or say the wrong thing the next time you talk. It might be a little bit awkward, but as long as you’re both honest with each other about what you want the next time you do talk, I’m sure your future with your ex will be filled with many non-awkward hookups! Good luck!
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I’ve been dating this girl for a few months, and I really, really like her. I think this is really going somewhere. Her birthday is coming up and I’m not sure what to get her. Any ideas?
– In Love at HLS
Dear In Love,
Aww yay, I love new relationships! But I definitely understand your situation – the first birthday or major present-giving holiday in a relationship is stressful! That’s why I only date boys when my birthday will come before theirs, so that I’m not the first one to have to buy a present… Kidding! That would require way too much thinking…
I always think that giving a significant other an experience – rather than something material – is the way to go, especially in new relationships. In a new relationship, you don’t want to spend a lot of money, because you don’t want to freak her out or put pressure on her for when your birthday comes around. But you also don’t want to get her something too cheap that she’ll never wear/use/whatever you do with it.
An experience that you can both share is usually a safe bet, because you’ll both have fun and you probably don’t have to spend too much money. What kind of experience you choose should be based on her interests. If she’s a theater-fan, take her to see a musical or a play. If her favorite band is coming to town, take her to see their show. She’ll give you bonus points for the fact that you were listening when she told you she knows every word in Thoroughly Modern Millie, or that she owns every Plain White T’s album (you were listening, right?). You (hopefully) won’t have to spend too much money on whatever activity you decide on, and you’ll be able to bond on the date and have a lot of “remember when…?” stories to talk to each other about for a long time!
If you don’t want to take her to a show, the aquarium, the zoo, or the chocolate festival (all excellent birthday dates!), you can buy her something material instead. Since you’ve only been dating for a few months, don’t buy her a fancy necklace that’ll break your bank account, but also don’t buy her a ring pop from the 25 cent machine. Maybe stay away from jewelry… that can be risky when you haven’t been dating her for very long and you don’t know her tastes yet. Either make her something cute yourself (see my previous article about good cute gift ideas, or buy her a DVD pack of her favorite TV show, something you know she’s been needing/wanting for her apartment, or something else you think she’d like (you know her better than I do!). But if you put in some effort and make her something cute and sentimental, you can never go wrong – it really is the thought that counts!
Happy gifting!
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