A lot of times, when I introduce myself, something that I might include is that I’m someone in the LGBTQ+ community. To be straight about it, (pun intended), I’m a pansexual, and most people have no idea what that means. Honestly, even people in the community don’t really even know what that means—or just don’t believe that it exists.
But, do me a favor- ask me what a pansexual is!
More often than not, people will give me that look—the look that shows that they have no idea what I’m talking about, and that they’re trying to figure out how to ask.
In our world of Political Correctness (or “PC” as many people joke), a lot of people who fit into the “cis-gender, white, straight, neurotypical” category tend to shy away from asking the questions that could be seen as being “rude” or “insensitive.” So, a lot of times, straight people will look at me with that look, and then say, “I hate to ask,” or “I’m sorry to ask, but I have no idea what pansexual is.” And I will just smile and tell them.
Because… I don’t care if you ask me! I’d rather you ask me what it is than make an assumption. I know the definition of pansexual in Webster’s, but more often than not, you’ll get my definition. So, it’s time for the moment of truth, everyone- the question you’re asking me even now. What is a pansexual?
My definition of a pansexual is a person who doesn’t discriminate based on sexual orientation or gender identity. As long as you’re a consenting adult, I’m down. Another way I phrase it is “Hearts not Parts” because pansexuals are often interested in people’s personalities first. And yes, the definition is similar to the one for bisexuals, but often bisexuals reserve themselves to men or women, cutting out transgenders, non-binary, or genderfluid people. Pansexuals consider these people fair game, so to speak. It comes from the Latin prefix “pan,” which means “all.” As a woman, the only people that I wouldn’t be interested in terms of orientation are straight women and gay men, and that’s only because they’re not interested in me. (People not being attracted to me tend to be a turn-off.)
Wasn’t that painless? It wasn’t too bad, right? However, it’s a constant struggle trying to remind people that I am always willing to give that definition. As PC as we try to make our conversations nowadays, the best way to actually combat ignorance is to ask questions in a way that is to educate rather than to judge. If you ask me what a pansexual is because you don’t understand what they are, then ask me. The issue that many people have when it comes to straight people asking them about their sexuality is that often they ask it with a different kind of look. (A sneer, y’all, is what I’m hinting at.)
So, why is actually asking more important to me than you looking it up on your own? Well, when I give you my definition, I also include things like, “When I say consenting adults, this also means that pansexuality isn’t an excuse for rape, incest, pedophilia, or anything of the sort.” Why do I include this in my definition? Because, the only time I encouraged someone to look it up themselves after giving them a lackluster definition (back when I didn’t believe I shouldn’t be a dictionary for my sexuality), I got burned. Long story short, this person went around telling everyone that, as a pansexual, I was “into everything, including (my) siblings and cousins and stuff.”
I’d rather you ask me than assume that I’m into incest, guys. So, it’s not rude to ask me my sexuality. What is rude is not asking when you have the opportunity and then making assumptions, especially if you spread those assumptions around.