Let’s be real, no matter what you say about going home for Thanksgiving, you’re incredibly excited to be home, in your own bed, with people who will make you food for free. And with this, comes a price.
The biggest obstacles that come with all this is who decides to be part of the family this Thursday and who decides to open their mouth, to spew out more than food they’re putting in. We all have that aunt who has to comment on how much weight you’ve gained since the last time she saw you, that uncle who constantly asks you what you’re going to be doing with your life, even though he knows just as well as you do that you barely know how you’re getting back to school in a week.
The most important thing to remember is to keep the 5 B’s out of the conversation at the dinner table. Not only are these crucial for sorority recruitment, but they work wonders for family as well.
First is Barack. Politics, (especially with this past election), are going to be one conversation starter that your aunt Linda is going to want to talk about. She wants to bring up how our country is going to be taken over by turban-wearing camels and how Planned Parenthood is actually cult, even though you know her cooking-and-book club combo probably sacrifices more than any cult ever could. Instead of trying to “lookit, Linda” this conversation, your best bet is to probably leave the room and try to find some pumpkin fluff to get drunk on.
Second is boys. I know, you know, they know, your 1200 followers on Instagram and Twitter know—you’re so single it hurts. But it must be talked about, how you’ve reached your twenties and still haven’t found a “real, genuine man of true worth.” Thanks, grandma. You know she’d be more than ecstatic for you to be dating the president of the robotics club, when really all you’ve been able to score is Chad from Sigma Chi, and he just wasn’t cutting it for you or any family member, for that matter. Turn the conversation around immediately when you hear it coming up. Try making it about cousin Herald who’s 16 and still hasn’t had his first kiss.
Third is booze. You’re 20, you may go out every single weekend contrary to your bank account and morals, but to the family, you’re underage, and have never drank in your entire life. That’s illegal anyway, 14-year old Mandy who follows you on Instagram and always tried to tell on you and get you in trouble like Standards isn’t always on your ass anyway, and you’d kill to drink this evening away.
Fourth is beliefs. Let’s not lie to yourself, you haven’t been to church since last Easter, and you’ll probably catch on the fire the minute you walk into one with the semester you’re having. Once this conversation comes up, go looking for the pumpkin fluff again, it’s probably time for some more anyway.
And fifth is bucks. Money. Do you know what you want to do with your life? Absolutely not. Where has all your money gone? Pretty much spent on Übers and greasy pizza. Is gramps going to be happy about his Christmas gift this year whether you spend $10 or $50 on him? Nope. So just try to avoid this conversation altogether.
All in all, just try to focus on the whole point of why you’re home. Thanksgiving is to spend that 3 days with the family you’ll probably have to see again in 3 weeks and do it all over again. And even though you hate them, you still love them, and you’re thankful for them, and all the real food they’ve brought with them. Just shove your mouth with some turkey and mashed potatoes, smile, and nod, and you’ve got this in the bag. Good luck this Thursday.