First Date Do's and Don'ts

A few weeks ago I was standing outside of Maggie‘s Campus Cafe, sipping some black coffee to help out with my hangover, when out of the blue the most gorgeous man I had ever seen strolled up asking for a lighter.

I’ll break it down for you : twenty seven years old, digital designer, originally from South Africa (apparently he graduated from WMU and loved Michigan so much he decided to stay) and dressed fresh to def. Long story short, he ended up asking me on a date, because… who wouldn’t? Anyhow, you’d think I’d take extra precautions to not mess this one up, but no. So this week I’ve sat down and compiled a list of first date do’s and don’ts so maybe next time I won’t lose the sexy South African in a drunken filthy hot mess.

Don’t: Don’t pull what we’re going to officially call "a Korey" as I’ve done it many times.

You know how it goes, you’re on a first date and you’ve been so busy all day you’ve completely forgotten you need food? Well, there I was, empty stomach, on my fifty seventh Cosmo, listening to this fine piece of South African real estate discuss his job with me.

Problem? My head was swimming from all the booze and I had no clue what he was babbling about. Trying to join in the conversation, I slurred ”Yea… I hear digital stuff can be a real b!#$h.” Then I believe I burped and giggled. Needless to say, there was no date number two.

Do: Instead, limit yourself to no more than two cocktails.

I would say none, but if Carrie Bradshaw has taught us anything, it’s that it really never is a date if there aren’t cocktails involved. If you’re one of the girls in the world who don’t drink, careful on the soda or coffee ladies. That sugar buzz will cause you to talk a mile a minute, and no guy wants to be on a date with a bird. (If he does, though, be sure to check out your local neighborhood bird sanctuary to help him get his rocks off because it‘s polite, then never call him again.)

Don’t: Be a sissy with what you’re eating.

I figured “all I need is a little food and I’ll be back on track.” However, I didn’t want to lose my expensive buzz so I ordered a salad, figuring it was mostly water so it would put me right where I needed to be. Wrong. Not only did it do nothing to sober me up, he gave me that look like “Oh, you’re one of those girls who don’t eat in front of men.” which is totally untrue, I’m one of those girls who likes to be drunk as often as humanly possible (See also: Chelsea Handler).

Do: Eat what you want.

You want a steak, get a steak. You want a salad, get a salad. You’re on a diet? Get a cube of cheese. Who cares? My rule of thumb is to let him order first, then get something equal to, or slightly below his meal in terms of value. Let’s say his plate cost $29.99 before tax and tip, anything below that is fair game, regardless of calorie content. A girl who can eat is always sexy, and a girl who’s comfortable in her choices, regarding food or otherwise, is even sexier.

Don’t : Buy a whole new outfit.
I mean, there I was in a brand spankin’ new outfit that he didn’t even notice. Not to mention puking Cosmos on white pants while your drunk in your kitchen and your room mate is comforting you after you’ve made a total mess out of yourself for the umpteenth time makes said pants totally not worth the 80 bucks you spent on them.

Do: Go with what you know.
We all have a favorite outfit, and since it’s a first date, the chance of this guy having seen the outfit before is slim to none, unless he’s stalking you, in which case he’s a keeper. Spending upwards of two hundred dollars at some mall store for a guy you don’t even know is ridiculous, and that money could be better spent elsewhere (like more Cosmos to drink your sorrows away once you realize he’s a total loser.)

Don’t : Bring up your ex.

No guy, at any time, anywhere, wants to hear about what an a-hole your ex is. Bringing it up on a date just shows you’re not over it. If you’re not over it, you shouldn’t be on a date. How would you feel if the entire time you’re sitting there he’s talking about his ex cheating on him and what a total beeyotch she was? You’d be pretty annoyed, mostly because you don’t care about her at all. The reverse is also true, if he is sitting there discussing his ex and all of her shortcomings, hit the bar hard, do four shots of Patron and high-tail it home in a cab. That’s a mess.

Do: Look classy.

If he does happen to ask something so boring as “Why didn’t your last relationship work out?” Simply reply “My ex is a nice guy, we’re just different people and it didn’t work out.” I don’t care what your ex did to you, laying all your dirty laundry bare on some bistro table is nuts. Saying something nice about your vile ex boyfriend makes you look mature and classy.

Don’t : Fidget.

If you’re like me, when you’re nervous you look like a meth-head, like you’re two seconds away from picking the skin off of your face due to some Sudafed induced spazz-fest. I bite my cuticles and talk nine million miles per minute. That’s the surest way I can think of to ruin your date.

Do: Touch yourself when you’re nervous. I don’t mean start blatantly rubbing your hoo-ha after the appetizer is served. I mean instead of biting your nails, run your fingers along your collar bone, or up your calf or something far sexier than chewing your nails. A woman who is comfortable touching herself is comfortable with her body, which makes her, say it with me, sexy. Sexy is where we all want to be, isn’t it?

Now, I personally suck at doing all of the do’s, but I’m a pro at the don’ts. I would say don’t be like me, but as I was typing this up I got a text message from the fine piece of South African estate, asking me out again… clearly I’m not that messed up. Anyhow, enjoy lovers… I’m off to get me a piece of land.