Fighting Fairly

There are times when you feel like you need to point out that he is chewing wrong, or sitting wrong, etc. The truth of the matter is though; you’re making mountains out of mole hills.

Is he really chewing wrong or is there something going on with you that might make you lash out? Think about it before you say something, and if he really is chewing wrong (everyone has their moments) let him know, but if the root of the irritation is something else, let it slide.

Avoid hurting each other further.

You’re already upset at one another so saying hurtful things just for the sake of hurting the other person does no one any good. Retaliation is usually the next step in these kinds of fights and then it just becomes a vicious circle of hurt and hatred. This is no way to fight with someone, and again you’re getting off the topic of why you’re really upset in the first place. Believe me I’ve heard of couples saying the worst possible things to each other just to make the other person hurt more than what they’re hurting. Nothing good ever comes of fighting like this.

Try this instead:

Remember the golden nugget “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”? If it’s not nice, and even worse, blatantly not true, don’t say it.

Be willing to negotiate.

Not everything is going to always turn out in your favor. The world isn’t that perfect and neither is your relationship. If you’re mad that he doesn’t call you enough, talk to him but don’t be surprised when the calls don’t become more frequent. Some things just don’t change and some things you just can’t win. The most you can do is to talk to him about why you are upset and listen to his side of the story as well. If you can’t negotiate more phone time, maybe you can both settle on texting or instant messaging more during the week.

Don’t cry. This one can be tough sometimes. You are just so frustrated you feel those tears coming on like they would if you got hit in the nose with a basketball. Tears just frustrate guys though, and if you’re trying to make them feel bad it won’t work. It also makes you hard to understand when you’re blubbering about something that is upsetting you. So unless you have a viable reason for tears (him calling you emotional is probably not good enough and it proves his point) keep them to yourself.

Fight, Forgive, and Forget:

You’ve fought, you’ve forgiven, now forget. If you plan on using whatever it is you fought over again three months down the road, you’re obviously still mad so you need to be doing some more talking. Once the fight is over it should stay over for good, unless it’s a recurring problem. Bringing up things in the past doesn’t help the current fight and holding grudges isn’t healthy to begin with.

Try this instead:

Fight and move on. Every couple fights and it is pointless to keep bringing up something that has been beaten to death just to try and make a point or win the fight. So if you feel like you have to make a point, do it in the current moment, bringing up old fights will just make everyone even madder and less willing to compromise.