Dear Male Friends (A Letter of Complaint)

Dear Male Friends,

This morning I woke up, brushed my teeth, put on my kitty cat slippers and made some Green Tea. After pushing play on my Mean Girls dvd for the millionth time, I opened up my lap top to see an instant message from a very dear friend of mine telling me she’s had enough of men.

Now, this isn’t because her boyfriend is being out of hand or anything, it’s because her male friends are complete mess ups. This got me thinking about my male friends and I realized…they’re all mess ups too.

So I’ve decided to write a formal letter of complaint and maybe, just maybe, it’ll sink in and you guys will simmer the hell down and stop acting a fool.

Complaint 1: I’m going to need you to shut the hell up.

I might sit around and read US Weekly, Marie Claire, Vanity Fair and Vogue for hours on end. I might stand in the kitchen cooking a meal for a man in six inch stilettos and little else. I might spend hours deciding which lip gloss to wear with which pair of shoes. I might change my nail color weekly and go to a fancy bar to drink like on Sex and the City.

I might whine if I have to pump my own gas because it’s stinky, or take the trash out. Let me tell you something though, I don’t do all of those things because I’m "oppressed", you jackasses, I do them because I like to.

I don’t care about economics or what the hell the president is doing. Do you honestly think I give a damn about your cello recital? No. I’m trying to watch the Jersey Shore re-runs to see that bitch get punched in the face again.

There is nothing wrong with girls who are more academically inclined, that’s lovely. I just happen to be more Prada Bag inclined.

To me the whole Women’s Rights Movement was about choice. I choose to twirl my hair and blow bubbles with my bubble gum, and end all my statements with an upward inflection ok?

So… I’m going to need you to shut the hell up about women being oppressed, because it’s ridiculous and you look like one of those ridiculous and pompous “life coaches”.

Complaint 2: Stop giving unwanted advice.

So, let’s says my train wreck boarded at like 11 p.m. on a Saturday. I’m glad that we’re friends enough that you buy a first class ticket, however, when I’m hammered and not fully comprehending why I’m single and bitching about how annoying coupledom is anyhow?

It isn’t a free pass for you to be all emotional with me and give me step by step advice about how to “land a guy like you” with a fucking flow chart and what not.

If I wanted to land a “guy like you” I’d be with you. We both know you’d bang me, everyone is aware, Don’t think for one minute either that I’m not fully attentive to the fact that you keep ordering me double tall screwdrivers every time you go back up to the bar for another round because you want me good and drunk and hopefully on all fours later. (Which will be addressed in complaint 3).

As a friend you’re supposed to say things like “Maybe you’re single because you’re a mess all the time, look at you, crying on the sidewalk smoking a brown filtered cigarette you bummed off some guy. He didn’t even want to talk to you because of all that mascara running down your face. Bitch you need to do something about that mess.”

That’s what I’d tell one of my female friends. They’d be pissed that night but the next morning they’d thank me. So, just keep it real ok?

Complaint 3: Stop trying to sleep with me.

I am obviously aware that you have put yourself out there for the whole “friends with benefits” thing, which is very nice of you, but if I haven’t hopped up on it? Chances are…I’m not going to.

Love you though I do, knowing everything about you and your past relationships on a friend level has made me completely NOT sexually attracted to you. While I am confused as to why other girls don’t seem to want to give you the time of day, I’m not giving you a pity fuck. That’s disgusting and it makes for bad sex bro.

When you have these mood swings that cause you to go to and fro on either being my friend or wanting to be my boyfriend, it kind of freaks me out. Mostly because ninety nine point nine percent of the time, I couldn’t imagine spooning with you. It’s weird. You’re just making me think twice about going out solo with you every time you ask me.

Complaint 4: Stop asking me for advice on the same subject.

So you don’t know what to do about this new girl you’re dating. She’s either too needy, too bitchy, too fat or just a thumping bore. Dude, I told you the second I met her that she was a mess and you should stay away from it.

I mean Jesus, she was at the bar flirting with other dudes while you and I were outside smoking cigarettes talking about her, then she asked if she could move in with you.

What’s really sad is that you’re probably considering it. Not because you like her, but because you’re a mess yourself and don’t want to be without a chick in your bed every night. Deal with it, asshat. Get a body pillow and wait for a nice, normal girl to come along. While we’re on the nice, normal girl subject, stop comparing all the women you date to me. Obviously they’re not me. They’re not ever going to be me, and I’ve heard about enough of your crap and whining about it.

I don’t know why you aren’t attracting the women you want. Maybe it’s your cologne…or maybe it’s the fact that you mainline Patron every time you go out and end up making a complete ass out of yourself.

Complaint 5: Stop calling me so many times.

If I’m not answering my phone, there’s a reason. Maybe I don’t want to talk. Maybe I’m busy. Maybe I’m painting my toe nails and watching Under the Tuscan Sun for the umpteenth time and don’t want to be bothered by people with penises.

Getting all butt hurt and leaving me shitty voicemails isn’t going to help your case either. All it does is make me want to call you back for one reason and one reason only: to tell you how stupid you are.

Not answering my phone doesn’t mean I’m ignoring YOU specifically, it means I’m busy and can’t come to the phone right now, got it buddy? I’d hate to have to start ignoring you all together.

In closing, I’m going to need you to go ahead and address all of these complaints at your next “meeting of the minds” and figure something out. At this rate all you’ll have left are your male friends who are worse off than you. That’s no way to get a well rounded education on chickdom.

Thank you for taking the time to look over my complaints. I look forward to seeing what new and improved protocol you’re going to incorporate into your daily life, and what benefits it can bring to our friendship.

Sincerely,
Korey

(Mr. Dembeck, I know some of these sound like they’re directed towards you…but they, shockingly, aren’t. You do, however, have the pleasure of knowing the morons they are directed to. Cheers to you.)

Ladies, I’m sure you have these same problems with your male friends. Hell, I’ll bet you have even more than just these. I encourage you to put your foot down and inform said male friends they aren’t the center of your universe. I mean Christ, it’s no wonder the new boyfriends are always freaked out by the male friend, right? Look at how they act.