Dating Dealbreakers

I was standing in Banana Republic the other day, watching my very married best friend try on dresses for her husband’s homecoming dinner. As I zipped her up and tried to figure out a way to make my brand spankin’ new Aldo’s stop eating my feet, she asked how my most recent date had gone.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that in under ten minutes he managed to go from Plan A all the way to Plan Never-Gonna-Happen. She’s grown weary of my pickiness and insists I’m never going to find “the one” if I can’t look past certain quirks. However, what she calls quirks I call a psychosis.

So, here’s to us picky broads who wear our dating deal breakers on our sleeves.

The Over Texter:

I don’t know about you folks, but I can’t stand a needy, clingy guy. During my many years of dating, I’ve always tried to be upfront and honest. Explaining to every guy that I don’t rush into things, at least not until our fourth drink. Even then, I don’t rush in emotionally.

I’ll never understand how a conversation about taking it slow and getting to know each other before we decide were ‘in love’ goes from complete understanding to disgusting amounts of text messages.

The last guy I dated was sending me 26 texts… before I even woke up. Now, I’m all for keeping in contact and saying “Hey, how you doin’ ” throughout the day. However, the extreme “OH MY GOD IT’S SIX AM AND I HAVENT HEARD FROM YOU YET” texts are ridiculous, and annoying.

The Mean Guy:

We’ve all been around them. The guys who are still stuck in that mentality from fourth grade, where if you like a girl…you’re mean to her. I can take good natured ribbing with the best of them, but being a complete a-hole to me isn’t going to get you anywhere. Personally, I feel they should ban Dane Cook from being in movies, because while he’s very attractive, his characters are awful examples of how to treat women. What’s funny in a movie…isn’t funny in reality.

The Mama’s Boy:

Don’t get me wrong, a guy who respects and loves his mother and isn’t afraid to admit it is incredibly sexy. However there is a fine-freakin-line that shouldn’t be crossed. I’ve met dudes who are looking for someone just like their mother.

While it’s lovely to think about the days gone by where women didn’t have to think about anything other than oven temperature and china patterns (how simple!) I don’t have time for that crap. Not only do I have to work, write articles, get my nails done, ace exams and walk the dog, I also have to come up with new ingenious ways to keep said mama’s boy interested in me anyhow.

I simply don’t have the time to clean your one bedroom apartment and make you a four star f’ing culinary masterpiece.

The Zealot:

Now, personally, I don’t have a structured set of religious beliefs. I do, however, believe that having a structured set of beliefs is a great thing and have no hate towards those who do.

What I can’t stand is the Jesus-Freak guy who goes beyond bible studies and those fish things on the back of their Ford Focus. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I’m talking about those religious bi-polar guys who can’t decide which path they want to take in life.

One minute they’re telling you they want to wait until marriage, the next they’re trying to slide their hands down your True Religions in the back of the movie theater. What’s up with the confusion? You either want to or you don’t. Either way, I don’t care… I’m just not up for your guilt the next morning, like I said… I have things to do and I’m not babysitting your Biblical ego.

The Sex Fiend:

I’m one of those 'free as a bird' people who really believe that it is, in fact, just sex. No big deal as long as everyone is safe and on board with what’s goin’ on. While I enjoy sex as much as anyone, I’m really not into those guys who turn a simple phrase like “I feel you” into something as stupid as “Ohhh you wanna feel me now?” (I still have that text message, dummy, we’ve been discussing how gross you are for like two weeks.)

Don’t misunderstand, after like 4 Cosmopolitans my response is going to be “Yes, I do want to feel you.” but on a Tuesday morning while I’m drinking coffee waiting for class? No thanks perv.

The Dinosaur:

You know how most days you can’t walk down the street without some geriatric guy leering at you like he wants you to join him in his dark cellar for popsicles?

From experience dating an older man has its lovely upside, he’s established, his man-whoring days are behind him and he’s from the old school where there’s no such thing as 'going dutch'. However, as with every type of man out there, there’s a downside.

The Dinosaurs down fall is when he gets the attitude that because he’s older, he knows what’s best for you. Listen dude, that crap might fly back during prohibition when you were in your twenties, but now-a-days women know what’s best for them. Being treated like someone’s daughter instead of their girlfriend is so not ok. Furthermore, take off that ridiculous toupee; it’s sliding to the right.

The Pretty Boy:

It takes me at least an hour to get ready, two if I’m going out-out, I even get annoyed with myself at the amount of time it takes me to feel I look good enough, like the paparazzi are just going to show up and snap crazy pictures of me as I leave the bar.

Obviously, in a relationship, there doesn’t need to be two of us, we’d never be on time to anything. Guys who spend hours getting ready annoy me. I think when he throws on his faded jeans and a t-shirt to go out for the night, it makes him sexy.

When he spends two hours to get his frosted hair just right, or God forbid straightening his bangs, all just to slide on some ridiculously expensive jeans with ugly patterns on the pocket, some crap t-shirt every frat guy owns anyhow followed up by more Axe Body Spray than the gay club? It’s just ridiculous and no one needs to deal with it.

The Hot Mess:

As women, and gay men alike, you know we have that urge to fix men. Men who come from broken homes, men who just seem to have no luck in their relationships, men with leather jackets who are drunk at the bar and tell us the story about how their best friend was killed on the back of their motorcycle and they can’t seem to forgive themselves? Yea, those guys. Ladies, knock it off. You can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed.

Personally, I’ve discovered I’m much happier when I don’t feel responsible when it comes to fixing someone else’s problems. Of course, it’s always thrilling when you have a Dr. Phil-esque breakthrough and suddenly their outlook on life is slightly better. This never seems to last long though, only because what these men have failed to realize is… life’s hard, get a helmet.

There you have it people, my personal Dating Deal Breakers for 2010. I fear I may have to update this in a few months, as men are constantly evolving and changing their crappy attitudes and opinions. I also encourage you all to discuss your dating deal breakers with each other. If you think of any others, let me know… I’m growing incredibly exhausted traversing the mountain of messed up men on campus.