Late Halloween night the buzzing of razors echoed loud and clear from the boys’ bathroom while my floor’s men gathered for their annual “No Shave November” opening ceremony. The event centered on one activity; the official last shave of the fall season. Minutes later they began chanting “the better the beard, the better the man” and ran out in a flurry of fallen whiskers.
It’s safe to say the rein of the bearded man has begun, when our boys’ minor 5 o’clock shadows dramatically evolve into unspeakable barbaric proportions. Brace yourself for the rallying of facial hair enthusiasts, as goatees (cringe), mustaches (wince), sideburns (is that a furry critter on the side of your face?), soul patches (boys let’s rethink that), and muttonchops (for the love of God, no!) finally have their day in the sun.
The civilized men of Madison will trade in their trim good looks for the rugged appearance of mountain men, so if you’re a girl who dreams of Tarzan, get ready to rejoice. For those who aren’t, brace yourself for a confusing period of Zach Galifianakis look-a-likes. Outside of providing us with the raw version of our men, No Shave November is a season of unveiling; over the next four weeks it’ll be well known which men have the gusto to pull off the lumberjack look, and those who just don’t make the bar (see guy with furry critter hanging out on his upper lip). However you like your man, clad in uneven patches, or repping the one sideburn he’s capable of growing, brace yourself for a series of whiskery kisses and his new obsession with all things flannel.
When he asks you to feel his new scruffy addition, kindly oblige and tell him what little beard he has is coming in nicely, no matter how patchy and wolfman-like it may appear. I’m told with a great beard comes great responsibility. According to sources, many will experience and seek medication for “beard pain”, an incredible suffrage of pain from sleeping, low and behold, on the beard. Not to mention the men’s struggle to commit to keeping that razor in the drawer all month long. My legs have an exclusive relationship with their razor; I can only imagine the longing that bearded face will be going through. When asked for comment on the joys and woes of No Shave November here’s what the boys had to say:
“Beards are like a hug for your face. I like hugs.”
“Beards dramatically increase your wood-chopping abilities. Fact.”
“I’m looking forward to being bearded for my midterm. In past Novembers, I’ve found stroking the bread increases concentration and cognitive ability.”
“I enjoy attracting the jealousy and admiration of the beardless.”
“What beard? I’m an ongoing participant in No Shame November since my recruitment in 2010 and I’ve managed one single whisker.”
And boys, if you can’t get it right (because we all can’t be Aaron Rodgers with the bearded jawline of a God—see picture 2), thankfully December is right around the corner. A glance at what’s to expect:
Stage 1: The stache and/or minor patches
Stage 2: The Just Right (the hallow ground of beards)
Stage 3: Brink of Caveman (this is where we hope December gets here fast)