We’ve all had one: a crush that won’t commit, a person who’ll send flirty texts but refuses to go to dinner, that super-awesome-sweet-cute dude who likes to snuggle but will NOT go FBO, etc….
We all know one, and maybe some of us even fall under the category: the commitment-phobe.
There are plenty of reasons why people don’t want to commit. Sometimes feelings are unrequited, or sometimes people are having too much fun being single. There can be countless reasonable and legitimate reasons to not want to be tied down, but when there is a genuine connection between two people, why wouldn’t they at least try to go on a date or two? I tried solving this mystery firsthand about a year and a half ago.
My story began like any typical college student’s. We met at a party.
Chris and I began flirting almost immediately and after the party started to dwindle down, he asked to walk me home. I lived only 500 feet away (think X01 to Grand Central distance). So, I wasn’t particularly worried about my safety, but he was cute and had been making me laugh. So, I agreed.
Even though it was clear we had chemistry, we lost touch over Winter Break (and, of course, we had never exchanged numbers). I decided to use Facebook to my advantage and message him. I snagged his number and heavy flirting ensued.
We began studying together on Sundays. I took the long hike to Engineering Hall to work on my J202 articles while he wrote code- clearly I was crushing. But, the thing was, I felt like he was crushing too. He asked me to hang out, and my goofy jokes were actually landing. Soon, we were seeing each other a couple times a week (no, there was no “Netflix and chill” happening). I waited for an invite to dinner or even to formal for his frat. When no invite came, I wondered if it was because I wasn’t in Greek life, but that seemed silly. What was the deal?
One Sunday after a homework session, I asked him if he liked me.
“Yeah I do, but I’m not a ‘relationship guy’,” he shrugged.
I thought he may be letting me down easy, but he insisted he still wanted to hang out with me. He said he liked my company, and I was “actually tolerable”. Yes, he actually said I was “tolerable”. He was a charmer.
Of course, I wasn’t planning on setting a wedding date, so when he told me this, I felt fine. Sure, I was mildly disappointed. No one had made me laugh like he did in a long time, but I was single and having fun anyway.
I started going on a couple dates and spent my Wine Wednesdays on Tinder with my roomies. Chris and I still hung out, but I had set boundaries for myself. I didn’t lie to myself. I knew I still liked him, but I wasn’t in love or anything, so thinking of Chris as a friend and nothing else was relatively easy for me.
Then things got a little interesting.
I don’t know if Chris knew I was dating around and got a surge of jealousy or just realized I was pulling away, but he began trying harder. He started inviting me to parties, texting more and told me (OUTLOUD?!) I looked pretty.
Of course, I asked him what the heck was going on. He liked me and he hadn’t liked anyone like he liked me in a long time, if ever, he admitted.
So, let’s go on a date, I suggested.
“I can’t do that.”
I realized with a jolt, Chris had commitment phobia. He would pull away when he realized he was getting close and was having a hard time dealing with the fact that he actually had feelings for someone. There were big, thick walls up.
I was honest with him; that he could either take a risk and go on a date with me or lose me. I made it pretty clear I wasn’t trying to make it FBO the second we shared an appetizer, but we should at least see where things go. I didn’t want to mess with his head, and I didn’t need him doing the same to me. I liked myself too much to play games with someone, even if I did really care about him.
After that conversation, I gave him some space, because if there is one thing I know, it’s that people who are terrified of commitment need to have space to think and breathe. After a couple days, we actually went on a date. Well, technically it was lunch and we split the bill, so it was more like a half-date, but baby steps right?
Then we went on another and another (real ones, I swear). He started walking me home and sometimes we held hands. He admitted that he thought I was beautiful, and he’d thought it was too mushy to tell me before.
We began calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend after some time and slowly, my relationship-phobe of a SO began to open up and his walls began coming down. He made sweet gestures, and we laughed and learned. We began to really trust each other. It sounds hard to believe, but I ended up in a healthy, romantic, fully functional relationship with a guy who used to get anxious at the idea of PDA.
What the real lesson here is that people have their own reasons for staying single, and sometimes it’s because of the fear of getting hurt or opening up emotionally. But, if there is a real spark and the two people can have open, honest conversation about their expectations, there’s a chance it could work out.
What’s important is setting your own boundaries and knowing what you can handle without getting hurt. Liking someone should never lead to disrespecting yourself, and that’s why I was always honest with my intentions.
Another thing to remember is that everyone’s individual experiences are different. Maybe a crush was hesitant because he or she had been burned in the past. Using empathy and trying to create an open dialogue can make the biggest difference in a person’s outlook on relationships. That being said, patience is important, but your own integrity is more important. If a person is being flakey and their wishy-washy behavior is starting to hurt you, it’s time to say adios, amigo.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, relationships are supposed to be fun. They’re about learning, growing, laughing, taking risks and sometimes getting hurt. Remember, it always ends up being okay in the long run.
So, take a chance with your commitment-phobe. It might turn out he or she is pretty great. (And besides, if it doesn’t work out, there is always Tinder and Wine Wednesdays.)