College is filled with the most interesting people. Some will become your besties, and others will become enemies. You meet people everywhere – home, on the street, at parties, in class. Some you see every day and some never again (like from that one Saturday you want to forget). You create strong bonds and friendships in the most unexpected ways, and sometimes you meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat.
Last year I had the very fortunate experience of meeting someone like this. He was living in the same dorm as I was. He was funny, cute and had we had a lot of things in common. BUT, what really drew me in was his sexy as hell accent. Yes, he was British. And yes, I fell in love immediately because he sounded like all my favorite Harry Potter characters wrapped into one. In high school I used to joke with my friends that my first boyfriend was going to be a charming British boy with perfect brown locks and sparkly eyes. When I met this particular British boy (who was charming in his own unique way, had brown hair and eyes that kind of sparkled) I felt as if the love gods had finally presented me with the right guy after 18 straight years of being REALLY single.
The problem was that I didn’t want to date anyone so early in my first year of college. I wanted to experience college without being tied down. He felt the same way too, especially since he was leaving in December and the whole “girlfriend thing” would get complicated. College is filled with many unique opportunities, and in this case, that unique opportunity was being friends with benefits.
Now the problem with FWB is that at least one person in the party tends to catch feelings. Of course, that person was me. Fortunately, somewhere along the lines, he caught feelings for me too. We’d hang out in my room and “Netflix and chill.” When I say Netflix and chill, I genuinely mean we would cuddle on the couch and binge watch House Of Cards. Neither of us were seeing other people, everyone knew we were together, and we went on casual strolls down State Street (kind of a date, right?). We both agreed we were much more than FWB, but we were not dating. I mean, how could we? He was leaving in a couple months, and neither of us knew when we would see each other again.
This in-between, undefined relationship left me incredibly confused and anxious. Some days we would share our feelings with one another and other days I felt like I was being given the cold shoulder. Does he like me? Did he actually mean it when he said he liked my pants, or is he just trying to get in them? As much as I tried to stay positive and optimistic about the entire situation, I found myself questioning everything. When he left in December it got even harder. We went back and forth between being friends, then being more, then back to friends. We even went through a period of not talking. I visited him in England this summer, and while it was the best two weeks of my life, I have come back to reality to realize that we are separated by 4,000 miles of land and sea and are right where we started – an undefined relationship.
There are hundreds of reasons why being in an undefined relationship is one of the most annoying things a girl can go through. You constantly worry and stress out about it. When I say constantly, I mean every day. On top of that, it’s hard to set boundaries and even harder to build trust. Plus, there is always pressure to define the relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, I have spent way too much time focusing on my situation to the point where it just brings down my day. Relationships can be exhausting, but there comes a point where enough is enough and you need to start thinking positively.
What I have learned is that undefined relationships suck. At the same time, my independence is growing. I’m learning to love myself and how to tackle the unknown. I am getting slightly better at my communication skills (mostly just ranting on the phone to my “boo-thing” when he is trying to go to sleep) and I am working on expressing my feelings. Most importantly, I have learned about the necessity of staying distracted. My advice for anyone stressing over a guy is to get active. Join a club, take a casual stroll on the SERF’s indoor track, have craft nights with your best friends or learn an obscure skill that may or may not be useful in life; I guarantee you will be distracted for a while.
Finally, I have learned I cannot control every situation. Sometimes, you just have to let life take its course and roll with it. It’s hard not knowing the outcome of situations. If you find the relationship to be toxic and destructive, then as harsh as it sounds, end it. If you feel like your undefined relationship has the potential to work out, then see what happens. For whatever reason you are in an undefined relationship, whether it be distance, commitment issues, personal hardships or the stress of school, if it is meant to be, then it will be. If it is not meant to be, life will be okay!