You always think the world revolves around you.
Can you do anything right?
Why are you so self-centered?
These are just a few of the many degrading comments I was told throughout my entire childhood from the person I loved the most. I was expected to worship, admire and praise the person who told me all of these things, and immediately afterwards was told they loved me. Now, you are probably wondering how I could love someone who said those things to me.
My answer: the person who told me those things is a narcissist.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), as a compromising pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood. It is classified by a grandiose of self-importance, thinking they are unlimited power and success, a need for excessive admiration, and may envy others or believe others are envious of him or her.
Growing up, I had what I thought was a perfect childhood. I lived in one of the biggest houses in my neighborhood, went to a private school, had private piano lessons, swim lessons, art lessons — the list goes on and on. It looked like we had everything we could ever need. But behind the family Christmas cards, my life was not as perfect as others thought it was.
I grew up in a very materialistic household. My parents provided my siblings and I with everything we could ever want and more. Literally, everything. I was so incredibly blessed with what I had, but there was something missing.
Love is what I was missing.
I did not realize what I was missing until I reached middle school. Even though I was showered with gifts, my life was not satisfied.
I felt loved, but I did not feel love.
You can grow up having everything you ever wanted, but if someone doesn’t love or care about you in the proper way, you can feel empty.
A narcissistic parent expects everyone to praise them, even their own children, regardless of their age. They believe their opinion is right and yours will always be wrong. A narcissist is usually the primary source of conflict in their home. While they may not realize it, they will blame their issues on the easiest target.
Narcissists are physically and emotionally attracted to people they find to be vulnerable.
This happened to be the case in my family. One of my parents is the alpha (the narcissist), while the other is the weaker of the two. The alpha of the relationship controls everything. They will tell their spouse their opinion is wrong, they cannot do anything right, they cause too much drama or stress, but will also tell them they love them. Growing up, this was a hard concept for me to grasp. I was always confused how my parents could “love” each other when one of them was constantly being beaten down. Until one day, everything made sense.
If I could go back and change how I was raised, I certainly wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change how I grew up because I was shown exactly what I did not want in the relationships I had with others. If I had not grown up that way, what if I ended up being with a narcissist? I was shown how I did not want to raise my children, start a family, and most importantly, how to love your family. I do not doubt for a second my parents love me, because I know they do. However, love can be shown in the right ways, and in my case, it wasn’t.
After spending time on my own in college and seeing their relationship from an outsiders’ view, I saw how it affected the relationships I was having. I realized I was unknowingly attracted to people who were like the narcissist in my family. This is because children who are raised by a narcissist become attracted to people who are in a position of power because they are comfortable with being told what to do. But after being in a relationship where I was being beaten down, I realized it was exactly what I didn’t want.
I did not deserve to be told what to do or how to do it anymore. After nineteen years of feeling like I had no self-worth, I decided to do something for myself and remove myself from the relationship.
Looking back now, I couldn’t be happier. While I did not have the happiest childhood, I am thankful to know what I don’t want in my relationships with others. I know how I want to raise my children one day, and how to give them the proper support they need.
There is no “cure” for NPD, because those who have it will never admit to being a narcissist becasue they do not relaize nor believe they do. Being raised by someone with NPD made our relationship very difficult, but after growing up and realizing what I wanted for myself, I know now what to do in order to find healthy relationships with others.