I let what a guy said to me control my emotions and control who I was as a person.
I’ve never been the kind of girl that has always been comfortable with who she saw in the mirror. I have always been self-conscious about my body and the way other people looked at me. But, I’ve always had close friends that always knew what to say to make me feel better about myself and although, that was nice to hear, it never helped me feel better with my body. I started going to the gym to work out and eating more cleaner and healthier, with the help of a close friend who specializes in that field of work. Within a month, I felt more comfortable about myself and had this newfound sense of self-confidence. When I looked in the mirror, the girl I saw in the mirror, I was finally happy with. I felt as if I was on top of the world with my new confidence, only to be knocked back down a week ago.
This past weekend, I went to party at a friend’s house and I met someone there.
At first, he seemed like a sweet guy, the type of guy that you could see yourself liking and possibly dating. He came up to me and offered to be my partner in a game that night. Immediately, I noticed his smile and his eyes that I saw myself losing in. I didn’t know what to say at first, so I just smiled and played the first game.
Once we won that game, he turned to me, flashed his cute smile, and finally introduced himself. We decided to go out back towards the bonfire they had outside to talk more and get to know more about each other. We talked about what we wanted to do when we graduate, what our dream jobs and goals were, and his goal to learn Spanish. He asked me for his number and added me on Snapchat because he wanted to keep up with me even after the party. After about ten minutes of talking, we both leaned in and kissed each other for the first time. Before I could say anything, he sighed and apologized and that’s when I went from feeling happy to feeling like I was worthless.
After our kiss, he looked back to me and apologized for what he did. I didn’t understand at first, so I gave him a puzzled look because I didn’t know what to say. Then he said, “You’re a cool and great girl but this is not what society would want.” and of course, I was still confused, and I asked him, “What do you mean this isn’t what society would want?” Looking back now, I wished I never had asked him that question because his answer is what destroyed me and my built-up confidence I finally unveiled in myself. His response was, “This isn’t what society would want because I’m me and you are you. Society would want me to be with a pretty and skinny girl as my girlfriend and society would just want us to be friends.” In the amount of 30 seconds, my heart and confidence had been shattered, not because he stopped the kiss or because he just wanted to be friends, but the fact that he declared society would want him to be with a “pretty” and “skinny” girl. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel like the girl I was a month ago. This newfound sense of confidence I worked so hard for was shattered in the timeframe of less than five minutes.
After he said it, I shrugged my shoulders, laughed it off, and said I was going to go back inside to get another drink when in reality, all I wanted to do was to punch him and cry for the disrespect I felt from him. Telling my two best friends that were there with me that night, they told me that I was beautiful and that I should not listen to what some stupid boy says about me and that I am worth more and deserve more than someone who will make me feel that way about myself. I wanted to agree with them and just brush it off like it was nothing, but I couldn’t.
The following week felt like I was stuck on that night on repeat. It felt like I was in my own personal hell. All I could think about was what he said to me, the way he said it, and the way he looked at me. I was uncomfortable walking around on campus because it felt like everyone knew what happened, even though they didn’t, and that they were talking about me and judging me. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and I went back to feeling the same way I felt a month ago. The night after the party, I sat down on my bed and wrote down everything I hated about myself and what I could do to change it. I wrote down what he said to me and I used that as my motivation for the week. For the next week, I went to the gym twice every day and only ate when I had time to eat. When I was running, all I could think about were the words “pretty” and “skinny” and it made me angry. I was tired of running too much and I was hungry because I started to eat less than I really should have been eating. It took me four days to realize that what I was doing was not safe for me.
I am not proud for letting what he said get to me and put me down. I am not proud for trying to work out and force myself to lose weight that was unhealthy. I am not proud for trying to eat less to lose weight. Those were not the answers I should have turned to because of what one guy said to me.
I wish I could I end the story by saying that I feel more confident and better about myself and my body, but I think that is going to take a while for me to get back to. I’m happy with the person I see in the mirror as I do see myself stronger than I felt before but I’m working on my body confidence.
This unfortunate experience made me realize that the only person that matters is myself. I should be the only one to judge myself and criticize myself. I let what one guy said to me destroy the way I felt about myself and I’m not happy about it, but I do think that it made me feel stronger about myself and that if I want to change, it should be because it’s what I want and not because it’s what someone else wants. Just remember, that we are all beautiful and we shouldn’t let what anyone says to us control how we think about ourselves, and more importantly, how we see ourselves.