St. Paddy’s is right around the corner, meaning that the ‘Loo is about to get lit AF. Even though it appears a lot of stores are not allowed to sell paraphernalia for the holiday, the few that do are being ransacked and emptied of all green garments. Liquor stores across town are booming, and those who do not migrate to Ezra on March 17th are speaking of the horror stories of years prior. The obnoxious crowds are soon to be returning, ready to break more records of fun with high expectations and a blissful ignorance of the usual realities of the wild celebration ahead.
Expectation #1: Wake up, Shake up and Drank up.
It’s not typically socially acceptable to wake up and abuse your liver before even brushing your teeth. But St. Paddy’s is the exception: who needs Listerine when you can kill the bacteria in your mouth with some straight-up, dyed-green vodka?
Reality #1: Your stomach is not Iron Man.
There is a reason that your daily morning routine doesn’t include shotgunning a beer. And that’s not because you’re weak, it’s your body’s way of telling you to get your priorities straight.
Expectation #2: Squad is going to look like a pack of stupid fly hunnies.
It’s more than likely that you stopped setting out your outfit the night before years ago, but tomorrow is Leprechaun day and it’s better to be ready.
Reality #2: Remember those 8 tequila shots you did? Well, drunk really isn’t your colour.
It’s the day of getting lucky, but it’s not your day of getting lucky. Did you use static to style your hair? I promise you, whatever is going on – it’s not a look.
Expectation #3: It’s nice outside, it’s safe to wear a pair of sneakers.
Nothing else really goes with your outfit, the weather is perf and you’ve been waiting to pull out those sneakers since November. It’s go time.
Reality #3: What do you get when you mix a drunk person with a mudslide?
A disaster, plain and simple. You’ve already made some questionable decisions, but this one tops the list. It may be deceivingly nice weather for March, but HONEY. That just means the snow has melted and there is going to be mud everywhere.
Expectations #4: It’s called St. Paddy’s DAY for a reason. Party from dawn till dusk.
You’ve got enough booze to feed a city of people and you got it all knowing there was a very real possibility that you would probably end up in a hospital bed. But that’s why the buddy system was created.
Reality #4: But then noon rolls around and you’re eyes become heavier than a Slipknot concert.
It’s nappy time and the minute you give in, it’s highly unlikely that anyone will be able to resurrect you.
Expectations #5: I am going to get away with being a criminal for a day!
Drinking in public, getting rowdy and just partying right in front of a policeman? I am a freaking badass.
Reality #5: You are not invincible, and you are probably the dumbass that does get booked.
Overall, stay safe folks!