For everyone who has ever had a period and experienced the many difficult aspects of Mother Nature’s monthly “gift,” this is for you.
1. “Starting to feel a little funny…”
You know the feeling. You either have the intuition that your period is on its way, or you wake up and your sheets look like a scene out of a horror movie.
2. “Here it is. My body’s monthly surprise.”
Why must my lady parts betray me every single month?
3. “Ravenous hunger is approaching. It’s happening.”
I need ice cream, cookies and anything sweet within my reach ASAP.
4. “Eat everything and then cry when they’re out of your favourite donut at Tim Hortons.”
I’m ashamed to say that this has actually happened to me before. In public. People were staring.
5. “Kill me now, I shouldn’t have sneezed.”
Sneezing on my period feels like releasing a sudden explosion of blood from my vagina. It’s horrific, it feels unpleasant and it kind of hurts depending on how hard you sneeze.
6. “There goes the waxing appointment I had booked.”
My period is an unpredictable force to be reckoned with, so it’s hard to know when it’s going to happen. I’ve had to cancel several waxing appointments at the last minute and deal with my lady garden through it all, since I refuse to go through that specific torture with a tampon in (for the people that do this though, I salute you).
7. “Hello darkness my old friend…”
Menstrual cramps are the worst. There’s aching, there’s pressure, there’s back pain, your crotch feels like a tiny gnome is knocking a little hammer against it repeatedly from the inside, it basically sucks. Relief only comes from pain pills, hot water bottles, baths or laying in the fetal position wondering what you did to deserve such cruel punishment. If you don’t get period cramps at all, I envy you.
8. “Everything coming out of this man’s mouth about periods must be stopped.”
I’ve heard many men make comments about how it “can’t be that bad” when women are on their periods. Take my advice, it’s better to just be quiet if you’re only going to singlehandedly insult every person who has ever endured the pain of having one, rather than just be a decent human being.
9. “Over this conversation, please leave.”
“But you’ve never been kicked in the balls before, that’s way worse.” No I haven’t and I bet it hurts a lot. However, you better step away from me and stop talking before I do it myself right now.
10. “Good lord, this is the end.”
My favourite pains are the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night like a precursor to death. Lots of fun!
11. “Relaxing in baths are my only escape. I’m never getting out of this tub again.”
If I’m having a rough time with cramps, sitting in a bath is sometimes the only relief I can get from the pain. I will lay in that tub doing my homework until I’m all wrinkly if it means I can actually get something done.
12. “Eat more chocolate, your body demands it.”
Chocolate is my vice, forever and always.
13. “Light my inner passion, stranger on the bus.”
My hormones are out of whack for an entire week, which means that anyone and anything are desirable. Suddenly, the whole world is irresistible.
14. “Oh dear, is anyone else boiling hot? No? Just me then.”
Every single time I have my period, I end up feeling like I’m in an unending vortex of constant heat that results in me sweating profusely and swearing my way through my discomfort.
15. “Reign in your hormones, for the love of God.”
Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with my spontaneous crying, mood swings, cravings and everything else that makes me feel like a mess.
16. “Dear everyone, please leave me alone.”
I don’t feel like talking to anyone, so leave me be to hide in my cave of blankets and snack crumbs in peace please.
17. “Looking at my reflection this week just does more harm than good.”
What in menstruation? The person I become is usually unidentifiable. Greasy haired, acne everywhere, tired and not at all worthy of more than a five second glance in the mirror before dashing out the door in sweatpants.
18. “Oh well, at least I’m not pregnant.”
The one plus side.
19. “Very likely that I ate too much junk food this week.”
Food is where most of my money goes anyway, tbh.
20. “Enough. This personal hell is over. It’s finally finished.”
The relief that’s felt when I finally don’t have to wear tampons and pads for another month is something that can’t be matched with really anything else.
Dramatics aside, periods are manageable, they just aren’t fun to deal with. It’s important to do whatever you need to, to get through it in one piece and feel as comfortable as possible.