This article is coming out late. I had said that this series would come out with a new article every three weeks, but it has been eight. I have no excuses, except, like always, I have a thousand—I was tired, I was stressed, I was busy… it was easier not to write this. I want to talk about something I have been struggling with lately, something I think we all struggle with every once in a while. It’s all well and good to talk about all the wonderful things: the progress, new skill sets and fresh confidence. In reality, I am struggling with failure, struggling with disappointing myself.
I hired a personal trainer but I haven’t seen the changes I thought I would see. I got myself a nutritionist but I haven’t even glanced at the meal plan she gave me so many weeks ago. Over Christmas break I was supposed to work out eight times—I shoveled the driveway, if that counts? I was supposed to be conscious of the amount of food on my plate, but I ate what I wanted, allowing myself to sink into the mindset that I was on vacation so it didn’t matter. Over the break I lost motivation, I lost drive, I felt like I was failing—sinking, drowning.
I am working to try and adopt a new, healthy, body positive lifestyle. I have already gone back to the gym and began meal prepping so that I don’t have to think about the food I don’t have time to make. Next week I’ll try to meal prep according to the meal plan, creating grocery lists that won’t allow me to fall into old patterns. I got myself a brand new agenda and I’m trying to keep myself organized—hopefully this will make things easier.
More than a few people have asked me what my new year’s resolutions are and the truth is, I don’t have any. I’m just trying to recommit myself to the path I laid out back in September. I expect my trainer and nutritionist will be disappointed with me. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed with myself. I have let myself down, but I have not failed, because I’m still going. My goals still exist. In the past, I would have given up after such a disappointing stretch. This time, I’m getting back on that horse, or rather, treadmill.
There is nothing wrong with failing momentarily—the trouble comes from when we give up and give in, allowing ourselves to fall back into previous patterns. “Failing” (a term I am using loosely for lack of a better word) actually teaches us something; it’s a good thing. It gives a place to restart from. Next time I am faced with a large break I’ll remember how I’m feeling now and I’ll kick my own ass to the gym and back—because my body deserves that. I deserve that.
Related Articles
- Body Positivity: Part One
- Body Positivity: Hiring a Personal Trainer
- How Casual Sex Changed My Body Image
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