University life can be hard enough on the average student. However, for many of us, it’s not just about the studying and exams, it’s about the struggle within us. University is the place that my issues with depression and anxiety came to surface, but it is also the place that gave me the greatest tools and support I needed to discover and manage my illness. For those who do who deal with similar issues or know of someone dealing with similar issues, I hope this article gives you a bit of insight into the realness of the battles many of us face in different degrees of severity.
1. Every time you meet a boy/girl that you are interested in dating or hooking up with, your illness scares you into keeping your wall up. If they knew your dark side, would they be scared away? You think probably. You play coy. You put on your brave face and pretend you’re the most normal girl they’ve ever met… In fact, you pretend so hard that you actually begin to believe it yourself. However, if you do let them in, if you bring that wall down, if you show them the truth, you’ll be terrified of the day they may decide to leave. You’re scared you will be too much for them to handle, you’re scared how you will react to a broken heart.
2. Every time you see a large assignment or exam coming up you feel your throat close up. You pray you wont have some erratic break down and have to stay in bed for three days to cope, not able to study. You’re embarrassed to ask your classmates for notes week after week when you weren’t able to pull yourself out of bed and make it to class. You try so hard to stay calm and focused, something that seems so easy for everyone else and so impossible to you.
3. Every time you go out and get drunk you hit a wall that tells you “go home”, now. You crawl into bed and cry in the dark. You don’t even tell your friends you’re leaving, you don’t want them to make a big deal about it. You realize that for more than half the night you were just pretending to have fun while everyone around you genuinely was. You feel different, you question why.
4. Every time you get overwhelmed with school, you have to reach out to your Professors and explain that you’re not like everyone else. Maybe you need an extension on a big assignment, but that is okay. You are most lucky when your Professors try to understand and support you. Most do, as long as you are willing and able to stand up and say “I need your help”. Unfortunately, taking that step is often the most hard to do.
5. Every time you see your friends carefree and happy, you’re jealous that they don’t have to try. You are jealous that their complete breakdowns are equal to just your “sad days”. You want more than anything else to feel like you don’t stand out, that you are just like them. They get so excited about all the big events they are planning to go to, but you’re afraid if, come that day, you’ll even feel up to it.
6. Every time you open up to one of your friends about what you deal with everyday, you feel their perception of you is bound to change. You no longer are their equal, they will support you, but you will be afraid that they pity you also. You don’t want to be handled with baby gloves, but they will be scared that they can’t always protect you. They are allowed to feel this way. Let them try to understand, even if you don’t think they do.
7. Every time you text some little concern to your Parents back home they will panic. They worry about you all the time. They are afraid they aren’t being supportive enough but they are trying to let you handle this, you are an adult now. You are sad, you feel so guilty, knowing that your illness keeps them up at night too.
8. Every time you try to shut your eyes and go to bed a million different worries and thoughts come rushing into your head. You get anxious, you get scared, you toss and you turn until suddenly it’s 5am and you have class at 9. Suddenly you cant breathe at all, you sit on the floor for hours until the weight on your chest passes. It will pass… it just takes a while… Melatonin becomes your sleep saver.
9. Every time you try to wake up in the morning you have to figure out where your mind is at that day. Will today be great and productive? Or will I stay here in my bed with the lights off and try again tomorrow? There may not be a reason to let the day pass away, but you can find a million little ones inside of yourself to justify it. You feel too tired to handle the weight of the world. Your dreams feel better than reality.
10. Every day is a stepping-stone. You never know when a wave of depression or an anxiety attack is going to hit you in the face, knocking you out for weeks at a time. It is important to reach out, and although it is so overdone, you really are not alone. I’ve been through it, I’m still going through it, and I’m going to be okay, I’m sure of it. The councilors on campus need you to reach out in order for them to help you. Don’t wait and let your days grow darker, find some light and let it in. It was the best thing I ever did. No one can help you unless you help yourself first. Keep going.
If you need help contact…Mental HealthHelpline.ca1 – 866 – 531- 2600orhealthservices@uwo.ca