February 14th. The media’s brilliant consumerist idea that is the second highest grossing card-giving holiday, next to Christmas.
As this daunting day approaches, singles all over the place feel that yearly pang that they’ve got to spend another Valentine’s day at home with their pals watching old Friends re-runs and eating junk food. But fear not! The wondrous world of Hollywood has offered us all some sure-fire tips to finding love and because I am such a kind and generous soul, I’ve decided to share them all with you.
If you love someone, stalk them until they stalk you back
So you’ve got a crush on shy, slightly awkward Tim in your math lecture and you haven’t the slightest clue how to strike up a conversation. No need! Just lurk over his shoulder during class and figure out his last name by reading the top of his laptop screen (or email) and creep him online like nobody’s business. Find out where his usual hangout spot is (aka most recently tagged photos) and make sure that whenever he’s there, you’re there. Then all you have to do is appear out of thin air until he gets so creeped out he finally says something to you. It’s okay though, because at this point, just confess that you think he’s totally handsome, and he’ll swoon so hard he’ll forget all about your stalker tendencies.
Every successful woman needs a man (she just doesn’t know it yet)
I know, you asked out Julie last week and she’s so totally cool and involved and wrapped up in med-school apps right now, so she said she doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. This is a lie. Ignore Julie’s obvious satisfaction with the single life, and instead, assume she is playing the best game of hard to get yet! After all, what kind of girl could possibly find self-fulfillment in their lives without a guy?
Klutziness is adorable.
Literally trip everywhere you go. People eat that up. It’ll be totally cute when you fall head first into a garbage can or trip in front of the entire class, knocking over seven desks and his computer in the process. That’ll just let them know you’re falling for them! Get it?!
Interrupting a Wedding is ALWAYS a good idea and will end in your favour.
It may look like that cutie you’re crushing on is happily in love with his/her partner, but that’s just a façade! They’re obviously super into you and this marriage is an blatant cry for help. Rescue them. Barge into the wedding. Bonus points if you have absolutely no speech planned. Double bonus points if you’re looking hella fine while doing this, even though you’ve probably haphazardly run there in a panic. It doesn’t matter what you say, because that lovely soul will always choose you in the end. You might as well show up ready to get married there yourself!
Similarly, stopping someone from going somewhere always works. This is called a “grand gesture”. People love grand gestures so you’ll never get in trouble for one. The police love grand gestures.
I know, I know, the love of your life, Bill, is about to board a plane to Shanghai but he’s just got to know that you love him! What the heck are you doing? Run to the airport. I repeat: don’t waste your time in a cab or any other form of public transit, actually run there. It’s so much more romantic (and feasible!). Also, just like completely disregard security when you get there – they’ll understand because it’s ~~love~~. And the plane will wait for you! I know, sounds crazy, but planes actually have this innate quality that let’s them feel romantic energy in the air. As soon as you start running, it activates the falange, and the plane will stay put until you’ve declared your love.
Stuck in a rut? All you need is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl to solve all your problems.
So you’re feeling down lately. Everything’s so blah in your life. In fact, it’s probably all happening in sepia tone while you wear the same grey t-shirt and work your same 9-5 job and eat the same TV-dinner. Don’t panic! You will meet a mysterious stranger who seems totally cool (but also a little weird and eclectic) and she will literally solve every issue in your life. Don’t feel like you have to complete her though – she’s got enough happy energy to go around for the both of you!
It’s impossible to be platonic best friends.
So Sally and you have been amigos for quite some time, hanging out everyday, cracking jokes, eating pizza. All is swell. But one day you realize Sally’s actually kind of hot and now you can’t possibly see her any other way. After all, she’s a GIRL. Obviously eventually you’re going to be attracted to her. Just keep making passive aggressive comments when she starts bringing guys around and eventually, she’ll realize that she’s in love with you too.
Done something wrong in your relationship? It’s okay! A spontaneous (long) random monologue will fix anything.
BrainyQuotes.com is good for this. Look up any quotes about love or aspirations or dreams – all that deep stuff that really gets people going. Throw some Ghandi in there. It doesn’t even have to make sense, just drop something about a long poorly used metaphor and they’ll be putty in your pop-cultured hands. Bonus points if you cry. Double bonus points if you look painfully beautiful while doing it.
The only job for a young woman in love is a journalist, magazine editor, or bakery shop owner.
If she has any occupation but these specific three, she’s not interested. Keep walkin, buddy.
You can only find love in NYC, LA, or if you’re real lucky, in some very quaint adorable town in the Deep South.
If you live anywhere else, you’re probably going to die miserable and alone. If you’re looking for bae, just buy yourself a plane ticket! You’ll probably stumble into them as soon as you walk into the airport.
If they don’t love you, lie!
Somethings are hard work, and one of those things is love. They’re only into athletes? Pretend you are one! You’re only dating them as some sort of weird bet between you and your friends? Minor detail, they don’t have to know! Being yourself is totally overrated. Be the person they want you to be! Those are the relationships that last.
Ladies, this one’s for you: You’ve got to wait around for the guy to save you
Yeah, you’re probably a can-do type of girl, but if you really want that guy (and we know you do), you’re going to have to let him be the hero. Pretend to be a total newbie at that thing you’re actually really good at so that he can step in and show you the ropes. Act like you have no direction in your life and let him show you the way. After all, how is the guy even going to develop any feelings if he can’t feel ultra cool and powerful around you?
Hopefully these tips help you land the sweetheart of your dreams so that the two of you can miraculously meet on top of the Empire State Building and share the world’s most romantic kiss. I wish you a blissful life of matching pyjama sets, adorably professional couple photos, perfectly lit and incredibly romantic sex, and all of this whilst living in a top shelf Manhattan apartment. Happy February 14th to all, and to all a steamy night.