Before the judgemental slurs, and aggressive comments start, let me preface this with: both of them are aware of each other.
My view on female sexuality is quite simple: as long as you are aware, safe, and happy, it doesn’t matter what others think. As a woman of this 21st century, I believe that confidence is sexy and that women should be able to express her sexuality however she wants. To be “sexually liberal” should not be equated with being a “slut”. Now, I’m not saying a hookup culture is right or wrong… but that other relationships just aren’t any of our business. As long as each party is aware of each other’s intention, are safe, and happy with the conditions, then our judgment is simply – irrelevant.
I met Austen* in one of my classes. In a short amount of time, we became good friends. He’s witty, intelligent, and easy going. He looks at the world very realistically and as a whole. His taste in music is also perfectly in sync with mine. From the first time we hung out, I was hooked, and I knew I wanted to be around someone with a personality like his.
But soon after… I was introduced to his friends. One being, Taylor*: he’s goofy, self-deprecating, and charming. Taylor and I also immediately hit it off. We get along really well and banter like children—it’s entertaining.
I began enjoying spending time with both of them, separately and together. Looking back it kind of seems inevitable that I’d fall for both…being best friends, they would have similar characteristics.
Emotionally, I was attached to Austen first. We created a good friendship base that physically went nowhere, but was filled with sexual tension and “should I/shouldn’t I” moments. Months later, after being introduced to Taylor, he made the first move to hook up. At first, I was worried and skeptical of what Austen might think. After rambling nervously he responded cool-headed and told me he didn’t mind. A week later, a little inebriated, Austen mentioned that despite my relationship with Taylor, he too wanted to see where things went with us.
Skip forward to now, and I’m seeing both of them. I won’t lie, it was incredibly awkward at the beginning… I had all these notions running around my head… of how a girl should act…how one’s sexuality should be respected…how both guys would react… how others would perceive my situation, etc.., And to be honest, I’m really not sure what will happen in the future, but for now – it’s good.
Ok, ok. I know you must have a million questions, so I’ll try to answer a few…
When confronted with each other; no one really speaks of it. Although I cannot tell you what they say when I’m not there, when I am, they do not put me in the middle to discuss me or ask me to assess each other. I never really believed friends with benefits worked, but sometimes they do…or for a while at least.
In our triangle, everyone is free to do whatever they want. Some nights they go after other girls and that’s fine.
If I have plans with one and the other texts asking to hangout, I respond that I have previous plans. I don’t go into the details, only because I don’t want them to start imagining various possible scenarios. I guess they could just text each other to see if they’re with me, but no one has had a problem so far. We seem to understand that we all live independent lives of each other and respect it.
When I’m out with them in a group setting, I usually gage who’s giving me more attention and what our conversation is like. If both of them make hints to hookup, I go with my first instinct. So far it’s been more towards Taylor, but that’s because he’s more PDA-prone, while Austen is more laid back and subtle. Clearly there’s no science to this, it’s basically trial and error. So far, neither of them has confronted me with any issues.
The only thing I worry about is if any of us get more attached and start acting as if we’re in an exclusive-committed-relationship, without discussing it with the other person… That just leads to mind games, jealousy, and manipulation— all things I don’t want.
I think the key for now is just respecting each other, their boundaries, intentions, and being realistic with myself. Some people need solid categories for their relationships, and others do not mind the grey area. Either way, being honest to yourself, your partner, and the situation, is the healthiest thing you can do.
*Names have been changed.