“I saw this in a cartoon once and I think I can do it!”
This phrase preceded many odd and entertaining moments in our childhood. Our mother is one of the most intelligent people you will ever (if you are lucky) meet, but she is not like your mother. Our mother is not like anyone else’s mother. You should all be jealous, really.
Our mum is not a sympathetic woman. She is not the person who will pat you on the back and tell you pretty bullsh*t lies like “it will be okay” or “don’t be embarrassed”. When we were growing up, her golden rule was “If you are looking for sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between sh*t and syphilis”. However, our mother is the first person we would ever go to for advice or comfort. She will hold us, while we cry, tell us we f*cked up but it is far from the end of the world. Then convince us that we need to get off our sad butts and go fix things or move on because “nothing you do today is going to ruin the rest of your life”. She has always extended the same odd comfort and wise advice to all of our friends and family and it has shaped who we have become as people. It has helped to mould us into fiercely independent and often strongly opinionated individuals who fear little and squeeze all we want out of life.
Please, enjoy a small drink at her well of wisdom.
– Kenyon and Taylor Bornhold
Dear reader,
I have two daughters at Western. One started in the fall of 2012 during her parents’ excruciating marital breakdown. The second daughter just started in September of 2015. These were different times for each of them. One of them fled home in a period of frightening instability and the other left a loving, peaceful home with the support and affection of a new step-parent. I feel the pangs of guilt about this inequity and wish it could have been different. But my list is still the same:
1. Your parents are going to f*ck up (and so are you).
We love you unconditionally, but even in middle age, we are sorting out who we are and how to be happy. Rely on us for unconditional love, but not for infallibility. We are doing our best and we expect no more from you. You, like us, are a work in progress. Embrace it. Revel in your imperfection and your growth.
2. School is important, but the ability to forge relationships and communicate effectively will trump it every time.
This is a funny one for me because I am an academic. I spend all day, every day as an associate dean helping students to be academically successful. I have only one God and it is almighty education. In the end, it is your ability to communicate and exchange ideas with others and to form genuine and enduring connections that will count for something.
3. 19 might be the hardest year of your life, but you will learn more in that year than any year after it.
19 year-olds are my bread and butter. If you were to look at the age of 19 in terms of risk, it is a statistical nightmare. In fact, don’t look. It won’t be helpful. Here is the thing about 19: you are a legal adult, with no qualifications for the job of adult. You have adult problems and you are yet to acquire adult wisdom to help you cope with those problems. Good luck with that and hang on tight.
4. People are amazing and they are idiots.
Don’t get cynical about people. People are alternatingly awesome, selfish, kind, stupid, thoughtful, creative, brilliant, petty, giving, impressive and disappointing. This is the human condition. Believe in the potential of people but don’t expect perfection and don’t be surprised when those you put on a pedestal fall off.
5. Women need to be kind to each other.
Look around Darling, the world is brutal on women and girls. Everywhere I look causes me to worry about your future. Women have historically been the first victims of war, are married off against our will, denied education and basic rights, we are oppressed and where we aren’t oppressed we are objectified. The world is designed to keep you down. Sadly, I came to this realization in my late 40s when faced with overwhelming evidence that my experience as an educated white Canadian woman was privileged. Be the kind of woman who fights for and supports other women. They are not your competition, they are your sisters. How can we expect better when women are the worst enemies of other women?
6. Set and enforce personal boundaries with everyone.
You are entitled to be treated with respect and dignity in all situations. Period. No exceptions. Bosses, professors, partners, strangers will treat you exactly how you allow them to. Be clear and unwavering in your standards.
7. Ask questions. Make curiosity your primary occupation.
I love you, but you aren’t that interesting. Stop talking about yourself and ask other people questions about their views and experiences. It is the best free education you will ever get.
8. Be kinder to the world than it is to you.
Be positive about everything. Your positive energy will create a reality around you that will create an abundance of goodness. Yes this sounds hokey, but I am right. Stop complaining and start focusing on the things that are going well. Be grateful and honour what is good in others. Be effusive with your praise and give other people genuine compliments and recognition. Your world will be infinitely better and it will come back to you. Trust me on this one.
9. Have an opinion, but be respectful.
Just because you are offended doesn’t mean you are right. In fact, when it comes to your opinion, you are never right. Here are a smart man’s words on this and I wish I had written them: “Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge… is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.” – Bill Bullar.
10. You are enough.
You don’t need to be thinner, prettier, smarter, or more ambitious. You don’t need a partner to complete you. You are not valued and defined by how others love you, but by how you love and especially how you love yourself. You are entitled to self love, even if you are flawed. We are all works in progress and you are a f*cking masterpiece!