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“Shine Theory” has been around for a few years now, but has only been gaining momentum since Ann Friedman wrote about it in NY Mag back in 2013. She writes, “when you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful, and professionally accomplished, befriend her. Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better.” Shine Theory flies in the face of cattiness, insecurity, and the all too terrifying mindset that “it’s me or her.” As Amandla Stenberg put it in her Teen Vogue cover story last month, shine theory “basically says that when you become friends with other powerful, like-minded people, you all just shine brighter.”
Most of the time, that’s easier said than done. We all know those girls: the ones who balance internships and heavy course loads, do volunteer work, and make time for their friends without a misstep or chipped manicure in sight. Maybe you’ve always wanted to befriend that super cool girl in English, or have been too nervous to strike up a conversation with the president of your favorite club. It’s hard. We are our own worst critics, and sometimes it feels like if you get too close to someone who “has it all together,” people will think you’re a mess in comparison.
Or maybe you feel like you have it all together too, but that she’s your competition. That you’re pitted against one another by the class curve or by how selective the study abroad programs are. You get so stressed at the thought of her beating you out or losing an opportunity that you can’t see her as anything other than a rival. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you could be missing out on such great friendships. Missing opportunities to celebrate instead of compete, appreciate instead of resent.
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Just look at Tina Fey & Amy Poehler, who have been friends for decades, even while trying to make it in an industry where success is in limited supply and successful women even more so. They championed each other’s successes, stuck together through tough times and catty interview questions.
Pop culture has begun to shift how it portrays female relationships as well, celebrating girl power and #squadgoals instead of the catfights and backstabbing early 2000’s reality tv was known for (The Hills, anyone?). Girl bands like Little Mix and Fifth Harmony are making waves in the music industry and on the radio, and Taylor Swift started making headlines for her “girl gang” as she became BFFs with Karlie Kloss, Gigi Hadid, and other female celebrities.
Shine Theory doesn’t mean never getting jealous. It means not letting jealousy control you.
This is absolutely not to say that you should cut ties with friends who are struggling or unsure. But don’t let anything hold you back from reaching out to people you admire, people you would love to connect with. Instead of feeling intimidated – or maybe just in addition to feeling intimidated – you can feel inspired. You can say, “Hey. I admire you.”
Surround yourself with people who will lift you up, and strive to be the kind of person who helps others shine too. Life can be hard sometimes. Let’s not make it harder for ourselves and each other; we can take on the world together as friends.