Growing up, we’ve most likely learned the unspoken rules of dating, especially first-date etiquette. Magazines like Seventeen and Cosmopolitan have provided endless columns on the dos and don’ts of dating (don’t talk about sex, your ex, or sex with your ex), and for the most part, it might be in your favor to save the heavier topics for later. However, don’t wait until you’re wearing his old letterman jacket around or god forbid moved in with him to talk about the deeper things. These topics may be a bit heavy, but they’re certainly not taboo. If you’re genuinely considering entering a serious relationship, you want to go in with a clear head as much as you do a full heart. Sure, you’re supposed to discover things about your partner when dating, but you don’t want them to be things that turn your world upside down and make you feel like you’re in a terrible Lifetime movie. Flirting may be fun and games, but make sure these cards are on the table before diving into the deep-end with your beau. You don’t want him to pull out his jack of hearts three-months in.
It’s up to you to make the final call, but these signs are glimpses into what your relationship may face.
1. How he treats waiters or servers of any kind
As a certain Sirius Black once said “if you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” Someone who is selectively kind based on merit or what he or she has to offer is not a kind person. Kindness is rooted in selflessness. To be kind to someone only if that person could be an asset is a display of selfishness. If he’s rude, unappreciative, and impatient towards the waiter, imagine yourself in the waiter’s shoes. You very well may be in those shoes down the line.
Oh, the irony. Sam (PrincetonGirl818) gets a first-rate look at Austin (Nomad) Ames’ character! He doesn’t realize that his waitress is the very girl he’s talking about. Though troubled and probably over-sharing, Austin is ultimately polite and leaves a generous tip!
2. His relationship with his parents and siblings
This is an ancient adage, and it continues to hold truth. There is no shame in being a momma’s boy! How he treats the person who raised him not only says a lot about how he was raised to view women, but also how he will treat you in a relationship. Even if he’s not warm-and-fuzzy with his family, values he was taught will make themselves evident. Strained familial bonds may cause internal turmoil, but a mature person can still develop base values of respect and empathy.
“I may not be smart, but I know what love is.” And he does. Forrest Gump is an exemplary example of someone who knows how to love right. And it’s because his momma taught him how. Too bad Jennay didn’t realize this sooner.
3. How he talks about people or ideas he disagrees with
This comes down to respect as well. Someone who is able to stay calm and collected even when being rubbed the wrong way is someone who you’ll feel secure with. Being with someone who is volatile and easily angered is extremely stressful. While you want to be with someone who has his own values and opinions, it’s equally as important for that person to be able to extend himself and consider other perspectives. What he says about people he disagrees with will ultimately say more about himself than it will about them.
*Moment of appreciation for Oscar Isaac’s amazing acting and beautiful face* Okay, but Abel Morales is the actual paradigm of calm, cool, and collected. He gets his point across, in fact he completely obliterates the bullshit being spewed across the table, yet no one can hate him. Cause he’s just so damn respectable. He won’t get up in your business (literally) unless he needs to.
4. His work ethic and passions
Find someone who has his own life apart from you. Not in the sense that his hobbies have to exclude you, but in the sense that his passions prevent an unhealthy emotional dependency from forming in your relationship. Be with someone who not only encourages you to do your best, but also inspires you to do your best.
If you didn’t fall deeper in love with Miles Teller after watching Whiplash, then I don’t know what to tell you. The insane dedication, the raw talent. However, Andrew Neiman’s passion for drumming makes him one-track minded, which means no room for girls. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t have (a.k.a won’t make) time for you.
5. His hygiene
Sure, this can improve, but if he’s not taking care of himself properly on his own, you’re gonna find yourself feeling like a nagging mom. Not fun for either person.
Yeah, it’s more than his hygiene that makes him so appealing, but would Jacob be such a casanova if he had greasy hair and stinky pits? But there is a balance: there’s no need for your beau to frequent the spa or spend hundreds on skincare products. But if that’s what he likes to do and can afford it, more power to him!
6. How he listens
Is he truly listening to you or is he just waiting to speak? Is he just catching onto the bare minimum of what you’re saying or actively trying to understand what you’re saying? A good listen can speak so much louder than words. If he truly cares about you and wants to know your mind above and before your body, he will be genuinely engaged.
Sam and Andrew’s bathtub talk was more than romantic, it was candid and meaningful. Andrew is an attentive and patient listener, free of judgment, to the erratic and sentimental chatterbox Sam. He provides her an open and comfortable space to discuss how she feels. She is free to be herself, although she would be anyway.
7. His ego
Peacocking gets old really fast. If someone is impressive, he won’t need to constantly prove it to the world. Make sure you can see the line between confidence and egotism; listen to how he speaks about himself. His honesty and humility say much more than his resumé (or business card, Patrick Bateman). Also consider how he views you. Are you a prize–a game to be won–or someone he has an authentic interest in?
Patrick Bateman is the psycho-version of Jacob Palmer (Crazy, Stupid, Love). It’s hard to comment on Patrick’s ego because his paranoia is far more disturbing. The point is…don’t date someone who spends more time looking at his reflection in the mirror than looking at you. Or someone who points and winks at the camera while filming a sex tape. No thanks.
8. His friends
A mature, thoughtful person will surround himself with people who are good influences and supportive figures in his life. They should be people you feel comfortable around because they respect you. They don’t sit around ranking or criticizing you and other girls. Stay away from boys who pass such shallow and hurtful judgment! His friends should understand that a relationship with you is a time commitment. So, if they feel like he’s not spending enough time with them, they should talk to him face-to-face instead of calling him “whipped” and whining about it. Also watch for how he acts around his friends and how he treats you when they’re present.
Shane’s friends are not good friends. If the person you like is hanging around peer-pressuring, gossipping, fist-fighting assholes, then take a step-back. Jamie Sullivan happens to be an angel-on-earth who perpetuates the idea that “bad boys” can be changed. Don’t bet on this.
9. How your friends feel about him
Your friends will do a better job looking at him without the sepia-tones and slow motion. They have their protective instincts and will want to make sure you’re with someone who’s gonna treat you right. If they have their suspicions, consider them. They know you, your dating history, your biases. You are entitled to follow your own beliefs (after all, you’ve spent the most time with him) and you certainly shouldn’t ditch him purely based on your friends’ disapproval, but don’t get mad at them if they’re wary.
Mary’s friends are there to check the legitimacy of this musician hunk she’s been talking to. While they love the personalized song he leaves in her voice mailbox, the second voicemail (in which the same hunk is cooing the name “Jenny” over and over again) leaves a bitter taste in their mouths. They make sure she never speaks to him again.
10. His relationship history
Whether you like it or not, there might’ve been someone before you. Someone he loved, and loved a lot. It’s good to have a discussion about your previous dating experience to see what perspectives you bring to the table. You can talk about what you two are looking for, what you’re hoping for. You don’t need to come up with some five-year plan and sign on a dotted line. Please don’t. But if you’re serious about this person, you want to make sure both sides’ intentions are clear. In the end, relationships are impactful. They carry meaning. They leave their marks. Even if it was just a summer fling, it was formative in some way. Also, if he has a crazy ex who’s likely tracking your address right now, you want to know. If he cheated in his previous relationship, you need to know. If he’s still thinkin’ ’bout his ex every night, you deserve to know. Similarly, you should inform him of what you’ve been through and what remains in those relationships. Friendships? Enmity? This should all be sorted out and clear before diving-deep. You don’t want to swim in murky waters.
Autumn should most definitely be informed of Tom’s lingering heartbreak that left him mindlessly throwing dinner plates at the ground. While Autumn may bring a fresh start (a new season of love), Tom should disclose his feelings (past and current) for Summer. Transparency all the way!!