Mark your calendars ladies (and gentlemen), because the Bachelorette is just one month away. On May 23rd, millions of viewers will tune in to see if sassy, Texan bombshell Jojo Fletcher will find long-lasting (emphasis on lasting) love. In honor of the return of my favorite show, I have carefully compiled a list of the ultimate “crop of fellas” to compete for Jojo’s heart. If you are worried about my qualifications to do so, you shouldn’t be. I’ve seen every season of this reality T.V. classic, dating back to the ancient times of 2002. Now that I think about it, starting this show at age 7 might be the root of my unrealistic relationship goals, that or Kate Middleton’s commoner to princess situation. Either way, these guys each bring something special to the table. Here’s a look at the cast we’d really like to see.
**Disclaimer: some candidates may or may not be in relationships, but it wouldn’t be the Bachelorette if it wasn’t ideal yet unrealistic.
Here we go…
1. John Mayer
Age: 38
Occupation: Guitarist/ Deep Thinker
The old John Mayer would have made a heck of a bad boy used to stir up drama with snide remarks and a secret girlfriend at home, but following his vocal surgery and hiatus in Montana, I think he’s finally ready to settle down. His shadow days are over and he could give more than half of his heart to Jojo.
2. Harry Styles
Age: 22
Occupation: Retired boy band member/Tight pants model
He knows that he’s beautiful and so will Jojo. He might not be there for “the right reasons” but he’s got to do something to compete with Zayn. When stores stop making book bags and pencil cases with your face on them, reality T.V. is the next step.
3. Eric Decker
Age: 29
Occupation: Professional Football Player
Okay, so Eric definitely has a wife and maybe even a kid or two, but, in my dream Bachelorette world, he’s the perfect contestant. The season hasn’t begun until the hunky athlete jogs down the beach shirtless with his dog and goes on to tell us how much he loves his mom.
4. Sam Hunt
Age: 31
Occupation: Former college football player/Country singer
Sam would make those cringy karaoke dates a lot less cringy. He looks and sounds like an angel, but something tells me he’d be in for a rude awakening if things didn’t go well. He can’t even handle a breakup in a small town much less national television.
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Age: 35
Occupation: Actor of the hipster variety
JGL– as his friends call him (I really don’t know if that’s true)– brings the quirky vibe that’s needed in a house full of jocks. If Emily Maynard can fall for Jef (with one “f”), then Jojo can definitely find a connection with Old Joe (also not a proven nickname).
6. Jordan Spieth
Age: 22
Occupation: Really good golfer
I would love to see Jordan show up for every rose ceremony in his green Masters jacket. Like, “What’s up fellas, where’d you get your suit? Men’s Warehouse?” Trust me you’re gonna like the way he looks. If Jojo is really hoping to settle down as a trophy wife, golf is the way to go. Who wouldn’t want to travel to beach front golf resorts and ride around on golf carts? Golf carts are fun.
7. Michael B. Jordan
Age: 29
Occupation: Actor
Jojo Jordan?? How cute would that be? It’s a good thing Michael is used to his name being shortened to an initial, because the nation will call him Michael J. as if his name is a secret.
8. Scott Eastwood
Age: 30
Occupation: Greek God/Actor on the side
I have a feeling Scott would score the first impression rose with one wink. Plus his jawline is so sharp it could cut the awkward first-night tensions. He may not be from Texas but he once played the most attractive cowboy ever seen in cinematic history so I think he’ll be alright.
9. Julian Wilson
Age: 27
Occupation: Hottest Surfer Alive
You may not know who Julian is but you should. He’s one of the most talented surfers in the world who recently paddled to help rescue his fellow competitor from a 13 foot great white shark. He uses pink surf boards to honor his mother, a breast cancer survivor. There’s also the Australian accent thing happening for him. And his face.
10. Prince Harry
Age: 31
Occupation: Prince
Prince Harry is the ultimate Bachelor but imagine the ratings on a Bachelorette/Royal Wedding television event. Two basic things that Americans love and Brits could care less about. Just picture the hometown date: “Oh, Jojo, I’d like you to meet my Granny Liz.”
Jojo I hope your squad of beautiful men is at least 50% as wonderful as our all-star cast. Wishing you lots of drama and lots of love! Let the games begin!