Dear semester of fall 2016,
At the beginning of my sophomore year, I thought I was finally going to have an enjoyable semester. I was mostly done with gen-eds, I was getting more into my major, I was taking classes I was actually interested in. I was no longer at the bottom of the food chain (or the registration date list), I was living in a cool apartment with some cool girls and my personal life was back on track after a rocky freshman year. I was ready to take sophomore year by the horns and make some of those “college memories” everyone is always going on about and make the Dean’s List to boot. I was ready, fresh-faced and energized and so excited about all of the opportunities falling into my lap.
Then I was diagnosed with anxiety. I finally had a name for the thoughts that kept me tossing and turning awake until the wee hours of the morning, a name for the constant feeling of dread that clung to my back and whispered nasty things in my ear. I wasn’t about to let that stop me –I brushed it aside and tried to not let it stand in my way. I was not about to let some pesky little mental illness stand in the way of MY semester, no sir. Nothing was going to drag me down.
Then I found myself with two internships, both of which I loved and did not want to give up. I found myself rushing from one to the other and only thinking of eating when it was 11 p.m. and I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I would wake up in the morning on days I had both internships, leave around 9 a.m. and not return until midnight or later. Don’t get me wrong — I loved my internships and everything I learned, I really did. What I didn’t love was stretching myself so thin that I barely had time to sleep, let alone go out with my friends. I wanted to do it all– I wanted to be Superwoman and juggle two internships, 15 credits, a 20 hour a week job, two extracurriculars and still have time to sleep, eat and see my friends.
I started spending so much time in the library that my friends were surprised when I wasn’t there. I lost weight. I’d complain that I was always tired; but would lie awake at night, unable to sleep, going over everything I had to do the next day. I became accustomed to running solely on caffeine and granola bars. Stress became my new normal. If something wasn’t written in my planner or daily, page-and-a-half-long to-do list, it didn’t exist. I would come home at night and realize that the only person I had spoken to all day was my professor or my boss(es). My life became a never-ending cycle of waiting for the week to end, crashing and dreading the start of the next week. I had tried so hard to have it all that I had lost myself along the way. I was so busy every day, but so bored and unhappy with how planned out my every waking moment was. I barely had any time to myself, let alone time for my friends or my sleep schedule.
But I managed to trudge through it. What kept me sane was the unconditional love and support from my friends and family, who told me they were proud of me, but nothing was worth the amount of stress I was under; not my daily skinny vanilla chai from Starbucks, my planner and the countdown I kept on my phone to winter break. I thought I was going to kick this semester’s ass, but it thoroughly and truly kicked mine. Fall 2016, I surrender — please take your victory and leave me alone and rot in hell.
As this semester comes to a close, I can’t help but look forward to the spring. I no longer have the idealistic, I’m-going-to-do-it-all-and-kick-ass-at-it gleam in my eye that I had at the end of the summer. I’ve seen the physical and mental effects that trying to do it all can have on someone, and have learned when enough is enough and when to stop saying “yes”. I’m looking forward to three things once this godforsaken semester comes to a close, at long last: getting more than four hours of sleep a night, having some time to myself again and becoming myself again. This semester has changed me for the worst, and I cannot wait to get back to the happy, slightly stressed but manageable level I was at in the beginning of the semester.
Fall 2016, you win. You might have kicked my ass, but you only made me stronger. Please go away forever now, thanks!
Sources: cover photo, 1, 2, 3