My entire life, I’ve been put into many situations in my relationships and friendships that require me to choose between what makes me happy and what makes my friends happy. Up until recently, I would go with what made my friends happy and wouldn’t give it a second thought whether or not it was what I wanted or what made me happy. I always thought of myself as the person that would 100 percent put others before myself and wouldn’t think twice about it. I was always under the impression that if I did this, it would make everyone like me and I would be rich in friendships.
Needless to say, this wasn’t the case. Instead of finding other considerate, giving people, like myself; what I often found was the friends I made took advantage of this aspect of my personality and would walk all over me. I, being the ultimate pushover, would let it happen since they were my “friends,” after all, and isn’t this what friends do? They compromise?
It took me a while to realize this wasn’t compromise, this wasn’t my voice being heard, this wasn’t anything even remotely close to what a healthy friendship or relationship should be like. By then, I thought I was in too deep and had to continue to be the weak pushover that I had established myself to be. I realized the people I was around took advantage of me, but I thought I was powerless to stop it.
One day, I finally stood up for myself. They asked what I wanted to do, and instead of saying “Oh, whatever you guys wanna do! I’m good with anything!” like I was accustomed to, I told them exactly what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. It was a big moment for me, but my friends just shrugged and said “Okay. Sounds good.”
Since then, I have stayed in touch with those friends, but I distanced myself and found friends that didn’t walk all over me. Instead we work together to create a compromise. I have never been happier in my friendships or relationship, and there’s no one to thank but myself. The insecurities inside my head that told me to do whatever my friends wanted to do, to not have too strong of a personality, to be essentially a doormat have since gone away; and I say “whatever you guys want to do!” as little as I can.
Some may say choosing yourself over others is selfish, that it makes you a bad person or friend or significant other. But sometimes, you need to be a little selfish. You need to know what’s best for you, and if it differs from what others around you want then so be it. I finally realized what’s best for me, and I couldn’t be happier I can finally be myself. I hope this helps anyone else who, like me, is unhappy with putting others before themselves-sometimes, you need to be selfish before you can be selfless.