I was seven years old when I signed my name on the official court documents saying that my six year old brother and I were to be adopted — and from that day forward we knew we were the luckiest kids in the world. The two of us were handed a second chance at a childhood with two people who gave us everything we could ever dream of. Through the years of sharing my story, I was asked a multitude of questions and comments that I was able to share with other adoptees who also felt as though adoption was still seen as an unspeakable thing — making me realize that many people failed to understand the hurt that came out of these questions. While every adoptee has their own opinions on how they feel about certain questions, these common questions or comments are ones to stay away from when speaking with an adoptee about their adoption.
1.“Aw, I’m sorry”
Do not say you are sorry that I was given a second chance, tell me that you are happy for me for being given the chance to have a childhood, something that I had robbed from me.
Why are you sorry that someone wanted to be a parent and decided to take in a foster child, a child that in most cases have come out of situations that a child should never have to experience and make them feel loved and wanted?
Children adopted from the foster care system are fortunate to be given such an opportunity, and by apologizing to an adoptee you are stripping them of the joy and happiness that has come out of this experience. Above all, adoptees want to experience the feeling of acceptance and by saying you are “sorry” that they are adopted, you are stripping that feeling away from them. While most people will brush it off, as an adoptee, it is the most hurtful statement– because in reality being adopted is an amazing experience, especially for children who are adopted later in life and given a second chance at having an amazing childhood.
2. “Why didn’t your real parents want you?”
This is one of the most hurtful things you could ask an adoptee, and is a verbal punch in the gut. There are a million different reasons why a child is put into the foster care system — all of those reasons are personal and adoptees have every right to keep that information to themselves. Abandonment is a major issue that adoptees face and by asking them why someone did not want to be their mother or father is asking them something they find themselves learning to stop obsessing over.
The major thing everyone needs to remember is that the family that took the adoptee in wants them and loves them just as much as your parents love you, and they want to be in that persons life – at the end of the day that is more important than DNA.
3.“So is your brother/sister your real brother/sister?’
Last time I checked my sibling is a living, breathing, person who is in fact real. This is a common question that adoptees hear when someone learns that they are adopted, and while it is understood that the question being asked is if they share the same DNA with their sibling. This is still hurtful to hear because blood related or not, that sibling is your sibling and the last thing anyone ever wants to have to feel is that emptiness of not truly belonging and if that sibling is not blood related — by asking if they are “real” you give that feeling of emptiness, the thought that they are not really part of that family, and without knowing it you are hurting them.
Next time you want to know if an adoptee is biologically related to their sibling try asking, “were you and your sibling adopted with you?” Or “are you biologically related to your sibling?”
4.“What is wrong with you?”
The amount of times this is asked is one too many. So much negative stigma is associated with foster kids and adoptees which causes a lot of hurtful assumptions that nobody would want to hear. The idea that someone who was given up for adoption must have a variety of mental issues and be “drug babies” makes it harder for people to be educated about mental illness as well as the foster care system.
While many foster kids as well as adoptees face depression and anxiety, so do millions of other people all over the world and in no way is there something wrong with them, but there is a lot wrong with feeling the need to ask someone.
5.“Why didn’t your parents want real kids?”
Families are formed in a variety of different ways from step-parents to grandparents being the legal guardian to surrogate parents taking care of their children and so it shouldn’t be so hard to understand that someone might want to be a parent to a kid in need of a home. Parents who adopt have a number of reasons why they chose to do this and with every reason they see their foster child/adopted child as their own child that they love unconditionally.
There are a number of reasons why parents choose the adoption route ranging from infertility to choosing not to adopt instead. Those who took the leap to choose to adopt see those children they took in as their “real” kids and take a huge offense to you labeling there child as something other than that.
My mom and dad are my “real” parents as much as my brother and I are their “real” children and by asking questions like these you are acting as if by them choosing to adopt they are doing something so weird and unnatural and that we were some back up children they were given.