I was recently talking to a guy I was strongly attracted to. He was very nice looking, well put-together and easygoing. I liked him and began staying over a few nights out of the week. We formed a connection and I thought that maybe it could lead somewhere, so I decided that before I got my feelings involved I would make sure a possible relationship was in the cards for him. He said, “I’m not looking for anything. If something happens, then great. But I’m just going with the flow.”
You’re just going with the flow. Okay, fine. I decided to keep talking to him, but at times he started to seem a bit disinclined and stagnant and wasn’t very persistent. I understood that he wasn’t necessarily looking for anything, but I wasn’t very sure of whether or not we were “flowing” in the same direction.
He’d recently got out of a long-term relationship, which ended just a few months before. He admitted to missing her and immediately I knew it’d be forever before he’d ever think about committing again. His “going with the flow” was code for: “I’m not ready for a new relationship because I’m still healing from the old one.” But of course he wasn’t going to admit that, so he made up this whole flow mechanism in hopes that I’d stick around while he figured his life out.
The problem with going with the flow when you’re looking for more is that you’re letting someone else steer the ship; it’s always on their terms, because they’re the least emotionally involved. Sure, you may hear, “If a relationship happens, then so be it,” so you think the door is open to the possibility of commitment but the truth is, if he really wanted it he wouldn’t be so dispassionate about it.
Here’s the reason why, nine times of out ten, a relationship won’t just “happen”: there needs to be some sort of inclination of wanting to build something more in order for it to happen. Relationships don’t just fall out of the clear blue sky; they require work and usually have to be a mutual goal between both parties.
You’re chancing your luck by sticking around for something that may or may not happen. Maybe he will see how great of a girl you are and magically want to be with you. But more than likely if he doesn’t see it now then he never will. And if his disposition is to just “go with the flow,” then it’ll likely stay that way.
Any guy who allows you to be strung along while he knows you’re looking for the real deal isn’t someone worthy of your time anyway. If he can’t be upfront and uses flowery language such as phrases like, “You never know,” or, “I’m not saying it could never happen,” then he’s trying to keep you around for his own personal endeavors (attention, conversation, sex, etc.).
Never think that you can make a man change his mind. If he refuses to at least dip his feet into emotional water, he’s not planning on flowing in the same river as you. And let’s say you decide to join him in his casual river of hopes and dreams. What if the current changes? Or if he steers you in a different direction or worse, he decides to jump ship? Then what?
In order for two people to successfully “go with the flow” both parties have to want it. It’s incredibly hard to do when one person begins developing stronger feelings or needs constant clarification. There needs to be guidelines and a final destination; otherwise you’re just passengers drifting aimlessly like two confused people with nowhere to go.
If you want more, go after someone who wants more as well. If he’s ready for a relationship and genuinely sees himself being in one, it won’t be so hard. He’ll match your effort and be just as motivated to build a loving and lasting relationship as you are. Or, you can keep seeing Go With The Flow, but just remember: you could be stuck there paddling forever.
Read more articles by Ariel Hairston here.